


A Terrible Privilege

by spaceywaffles



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Age of Ultron AU, All Hell Breaks Loose, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Avengers Family, Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Canon-Typical Violence, Cap 3 AU, Civil War (Marvel), Domestic Avengers, Fluff and Angst, M/M, News Media, Panic Attacks, People hating the Avengers, Pining, Politics, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tony Feels, Tony Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-03-17 10:12:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3525350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceywaffles/pseuds/spaceywaffles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Ultron had left him bare with no directions on how to keep living his life. He didn’t even dare to go to the workshop. He tried to convince himself that he was just taking some time off. But he knew that he was afraid of what threat he might create next."</p><p>Is set right after "The Age of Ultron" (a Civil War AU):<br/>The Avengers try to get their lives back under control. Especially Tony is suffering from the aftermath of Ultron's attack.<br/>Meanwhile everyone keeps asking for public statements by the Avengers and if that wasn't enough: the self-proclaimed "friendly neighbourhood spider" keeps interfering with the whole crime fighting business.<br/>There is no way, this is gonna end well...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lotticorn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotticorn/gifts), [spacewuuf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacewuuf/gifts).



> Uff! Hey there!  
> I couldn't wait till next year and Cap 3. So I decided to take my conspiracy theories and release them by writing everything down. Obviously I had to change A LOT of the original 616 plot and since AoU is not yet released I tried to leave out as much as I could. There will be references, but those are mostly based on assumptions.  
> Okay, this whole fanfiction is one single assumption..mixed with stony feels.  
> Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy!  
> A gigantic THANK YOU to lotticorn for being the best beta in the world!

One could almost see the passive aggressiveness in the room.

Tony was staring at the TV screen. They had decided not to talk about it and to keep a low profile until the media and everything had calmed down. Somehow “keeping a low profile” meant watching a Disney-marathon to Clint. So they were all cuddling on the couches now.

“You know Steve, I really think you can relate to that guy!” Clint was stuffing his face with popcorn pointing at Hercules, who was on his way to become all buffed and handsome while muses sang about his sheer awesomeness.

Steve smiled. Tony watched him. Steve didn't talk much lately. Tony knew he was most likely to think about the mess they had gotten themselves into… or rather Tony had gotten them into.  Clint continued: “They should totally make a live action featuring you!” He perched on one of the gigantic armchairs. His injuries had almost completely healed by now. A small cut on his left cheek was one of the last remnants of how bruised and battered he had been right after the fight.

Tony sighed lightly. Yeah. Not talking about it was a good idea. The thing about mankind was that they recovered from almost anything. Especially destruction. Somehow life would always go on.  
He stiffened and straightened up accidentally brushing Steve’s shoulder in the process. Instinctively he wanted to apologize, but he suppressed the urge. He had done nothing but apologize for the last weeks-...months! Over and over again!  
A “Sorry”, didn’t change a fucking thing. He had done what he could to make up for everything that had happened. There was nothing he could do now! He got up to get another cup of coffee. There was nothing more he wished for right now than a drink, but Steve would probably kill him instantly if he so much as looked at liquor right now.

“Come on, he’s already a movie star”, he chuckled trying to hide a tremble in his voice.

“The movies they made about me are really kinda boring and I doubt that I’d make a great actor.” Steve was following him with his gaze. Hah! He knew it! Steve: Master of controlling his every step. Then again, he could not blame him for that… 

“Bullshit. I’ve seen you. You were great. You got a great career ahead of you, Cap!”, Tony retorted pouring the coffee into his cup.  
It was lukewarm. Still, better then nothing. He got back on the couch, casually flinging his feet unto the table. “You know, there are even movies about me! Porn, that is. Not… not featuring me, of course. Pepper would skin me alive.” And ouch! That name still hurt. “But I think there are even a few about the two of us.” He wiggled his eyebrows at Steve expecting embarrassment. But Steve was still smiling.

“There is porn about everything nowadays, huh?”, he still sounded like he wasn’t really paying attention. Tony wanted to scream at him and apologize… again.

“That doesn’t count! There’s even porn about good ol’ Banner!”, Clint chuckled and tapped Bruce on the shoulder which made the doctor jump. There were deep shadows under his eyes and he was fidgeting a little.

They really were a mess. Tony could see the weariness in every single member of the Avengers. And Thor…Thor was still missing. Sooner or later this little bubble they had created would pop. Tony feared that moment.  
Ultron had left him bare with no directions on how to keep living his life. He didn’t even dare to go to the workshop. He tried to convince himself that he was just taking some time off. But he knew that he was afraid of what threat he might create next.  
As for JARVIS… he had avoided talking to him directly and he wanted to continue doing so, at least until he had accustomed to his new circumstances.  
Steve’s shoulder brushed his again. The smile on his face had vanished, his eyes were fixed on the screen. Tony remembered the look of disappointment in them.

He tried to keep the conversation going. What were they talking about again? Ah!“Guess that’s our next marathon then, Avengers-porn!”

Natasha rolled her eyes at that and stood up from the floor where she had been sipping on what looked like vodka-shots. “I’m going to bed.”

“`Right, Nat! Sleep well, sweet dreams. Don’t kill anyone on your way, kay, hun?” This owned him a blow to the head, but Natasha was smiling softly.

“Wait! Don’t leave me with _them_!”, Clint shouted gathering himself and following her as swiftly as he could. Shortly after, Bruce fled too. He excused himself and went to his lab apparently. It only left Steve and Tony. Conspiracy! Sneaky little bastards… each and every one of them!

Fuck.

Steve took the remote and switched to the news. Tony stiffened again.  
The pictures of death and destruction were still too fresh. All those people killed by Avenger-bots, by something he had created…  
As it was he might as well could have sticked to building weapons. There was no difference.

“What are you doing?”

“Just checking the news, Tony.”

No. This was not checking the news. This was giving him the silent treatment. It was playing dirty.  Tony’s breath quickened. He broke out in a cold sweat. All while still staring at the TV. This was the moment. Steve wanted to talk. He couldn’t. He simply couldn’t.  
He struggled to his feet. His vision blurred a little. But before he could take a step, Steve had grabbed his wrist.

“You know, you have to face it sooner or later. And I can’t really deal with you breaking down when it happens.” Steve’s voice was harsh. Tony gulped. His pulse was reaching new personal bests by every minute. His mouth was dry and Steve must have been aware of that, because his grip tightened.

Tony tried to focus. He was still unable to face Steve, but at least he could answer.  
“I don’t know what you mean. I have faced this!” He gestured to the TV. “Allow me to refresh your memory: We have faced Ultron and we did - in fact - defeat him.” And there went all his apologies.

“Yeah. You faced the threat but not the consequence.” Steve’s tone was neutral, but Tony felt the need to defend himself.

“I am fully prepared to pay any sum to support the reconstruction and I have signed a hell of a check to pay for compensation. I even founded an organisation just for helping survivors of the attack!”

Steve didn’t answer and Tony dared to look at him. There was a small, sad smile on his lips and he slowly pulled Tony back into the couch cushions.  
Why? Tony would have preferred a neck-breaking punch. But this? This was not fair… 

Tony closed his eyes for a moment and dared to answer: “That’s probably not…”

“…what I mean. Yes, Tony. Look - especially now - we have to be a team. I just want to know if I can count on you, in here and on the field.”

Tony chuckled opening his eyes. “What are you planning if you want to count on me in here?”  
Steve’s smile was teasing. “On the field, I need Ironman. In here, I need Tony Stark: genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist and guess who is currently not available?”

Tony paused. Steve wasn't allowed to do that! He couldn't just forgive him. He was a murderer! The merchant of death - that’s what he was.  
Tony couldn’t deal with someone caring about him right now. Especially not Steve. Especially not with arguments. God, he hated arguments…

“Can’t you just beat me into a pulp?” But that only owned him a warning look from Steve and Tony gave up. “I…will work on that.”

“Okay.” Steve finally released his wrist and turned off the TV. Tony released a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

“Let’s go to the workshop.”

“Wait…what?” Yeah. His voice might have pitched a little at that. But he was completely baffled. “Why?”  
Steve definitely had no business with the workshop and Tony… well…

Steve rose. “I know you're not the sleeping type and I really don’t know what you do these days…” Staring at the ceiling or annoying the crap out of Bruce…mostly. “…but the Tony Stark I know builds stuff or invents stuff or whatever. So…” Tony didn’t move. There was no way this was gonna end well. But before he could protest, Steve grabbed him and pulled him on his feet.

“And why do you have to come?” Strong arms pushed him towards the door.

“Repatriation”

Tony couldn't help but laugh at that and it felt as if something had been lifted from his shoulders. He straightened up and walked with Steve towards to workshop. Tony tipped in the security code and after a devastating moment of silence it lit up and Dummy approached them with the soft buzz of his wheels. It felt like…home.

“Okay, what do you want me to build?”

“Haven’t really thought about that, to be honest… Just build something. Anything.” Steve shrugged and leaned against the workbench watching Tony as he shuffled from one foot to the other and finally settled on his small stool. “I can’t if you're watching.”

Steve just looked at him, obviously not buying it and Tony couldn't suppress a little smirk.

“Okay, let’s make a deal. I’ll just go and grab my art supplies. I’ll be totally occupied and you can do your thing.”

Tony kept smirking but nodded and Steve left.

“Okay…” He took a deep breath. Workshop…yeah…that was totally okay. Thing was, he never really worked alone, didn’t he? “J…JARVIS…?”

“Yes, sir?” The familiar British accent of his slightly less lethal AI nearly made him jump. Of course he had known that he had always been there, watching him, but it felt different now, almost frightening.  
He glanced at the android body of The Vision, asleep in one of the Iron Man showcases.

Deep breaths. Everything was back to normal.

“…just…show me the blueprints for that popcorn machine I always wanted to finish.”

“Gladly, sir.” JARVIS sounded relieved, he must have missed him.  
The holograms flashed up surrounding him like a cocoon.

“Do you want me to archive all documents regarding the Ultron-Programme, sir?”

“Yes, please.” Tony exhaled. It was easier than he’d imagined. Letting go…  
All this, the workshop..felt comforting even though he could feel his fingers trembling slightly. What if he fucked up again? He pushed that thought away. No. He would not create another catastrophe. Fresh start and all that jazz.  
He hesitated but took the soldering iron and started working.  
When Steve returned he was already bend over the workbench, swearing at several parts of the machine.

“So, um, what is this?”

“A popcorn machine.” Tony threw some circuits over his shoulder and he could hear Steve shuffling, obviously dodging them.

“And what’s so special about it?”   
“Well, for starters, it’s synched with the TV and it reacts on the lack of…eh..crunchy sounds…you know, the kind people make when they eat.” Tony didn’t bother to look up.

Steve snorted. “I guess we desperately need one of those.”

Tony could hear him sitting down and the soft scratching noises of pencil on paper.

“I was serious about that Avengers-porn marathon, though.”

“Shut up, Tony.” Steve chuckled.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The domestic fluff continues :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you lotticorn for bearing with my poor writing skills :)

He finished the Pop-oh-Matic™ the same day..or night…or morning…Tony wasn’t quite sure. It didn’t really matter, the thing worked just fine. Sure there was the little portion size issue, but Steve turned out to be quite handy when it came to making vast amounts of popcorn disappear. It took him another night to fix that problem. Maybe he had taken his time… just to have some kind of occupation.  
The Pop-oh-Matic™ was a boyish pastime. Tony wasn’t fooling himself. But it just felt good to build again, to work with his hands and to challenge his brain even in the slightest manner. Engineering always left him with a soft giddiness and butterflies in his stomach - his one true love.  
How had he survived those last weeks without it?  
Steve had kept him company this whole time, sharing Tony’s sleep-is-for-the-weak-lifestyle. Even though, Steve didn't need that much sleep anyway - fucking cheater. But he didn't even leave for his everyday morning jog.  
He had been sitting on Tony’s couch drawing everything he could find, as if the workshop was some kind of wonderland. Once or twice Tony had caught him stealing glances from him. Every time Tony had voiced his concern about Steve practically stalking him, Steve had just smiled - that gorgeous one- while making some excuse about actually drawing Dummy, or the holograms, or the workbench itself and that Tony was some kind of gimmick.  
Anyways.  
Another morning of work and Tony was up for some taste testing and flavour pre-setting. Because mango- jalapeño popcorn? Fuck yeah.  
Steve, the gentleman he was, had been kind enough to carry the Pop-oh-Matic™ to the kitchen but not without a cocky smirk on his _peak of human perfection_ face. Like Tony was some kind of damsel in distress. Truth was, the damn thing was heavy as fuck, but that was no reason to show off! Again: Cheater.  
Steve was now seated at the table, staring at Tony tinkering with the Pop-oh-Matic™’s settings.  
Clint raised an eyebrow at them when he entered the kitchen.  
“You know, not that I’m complaining - there is no such thing as too much popcorn - but this is what? The tenth flavour you came up with?” He gestured around and swung himself unto one of the counters grabbing a bowl of popcorn labeled _Banana Peanut Butter_.   
Tony snorted. “You will be thankful, Barton! Believe me.” He grinned. “Okay, brace yourself, Captain! You will never forget the sweet taste of double chocolate jelly popcorn!” Steve laughed, but when Tony turned around with the next bowl - flirty mode all activated - he paused. Served him right. This was payback for cheating and for making Tony Stark look weak and helpless (not that anyone had seen Steve carrying the machine, but reasons!).  
Tony walked right into his personal space. Blue eyes shot up to him, but Steve didn't even flinch, a playful smile gracing his lips. Was this a dare? Was Captain America challenging him? Well, honey, one does not simply underestimate Tony Stark!  
He settled between Steve’s thighs. Clint choked on his popcorn, but Tony wouldn't stop at that. “Open up, old man. This is gonna be an orgasm in your mouth.” Tony took a single piece of popcorn with his thumb and index finger and brushed it gently against Steve’s lips until the captain finally opened his mouth and Tony slowly pushed to piece inside.  
“Hm…” Steve frowned, chewing. “Not quite, the orgasm I hoped for… But it’s okay I guess” Nevertheless he took the opportunity to lick the rest of the sticky flavouring from Tony`s finger.  
Tony gulped.  
Clint managed to squeak in-between his coughs.“Seriously!!! You guys playing gay chicken or are you trying to revolutionize the bro-code?!”  
Tony sighed. “You got a problem with two guys showing some love?”  
Clint rolled his eyes. “Ehm…no?”  
“Then shoo shoo, little birdy! Leave the adults alone! I still got a lot of love to share.”, he wiggled the bowl in his hands and nodded towards the door. Clint flipped them off. “Get a room!”. He shoved one final handful off popcorn into his mouth and left the kitchen with a growl.  
Tony turned back towards Steve. “Is it really that awful?”  
Steve laughed in response. “To be honest… yes. Cooking is simply not your strong suit.”  
“Clint seemed to like it though.” Tony placed the bowl on the table and gave it a contemplative look.  
“Clint’s taste buds are non-existent, burned by all that junk, he stuffs into his mouth.”  
“Kay,kay, I got it-…”  
“-Sorry to interrupt, sir…”, JARVIS sounded apologetic. “…but Miss Potts is on the line. It appears to be quite urgent.”   
Tony froze. He wasn't ready to talk to her. Not now. Not ever.  
The breakup had been a disaster. Tony had tried to deal with it as casually as he could, but it ended up being a lot of tears and holding each other and even more promising to stay friends because they needed one another. He had tried not to think about it, tried to tell himself that he had done the right thing. Pepper had tried to cope with him being an Avenger. But a few more missions and Tony falling into buildings, Tony being hit by something the suspiciously looked like a T-Rex, Tony flying more nukes around, Tony being nearly crushed by a car… basically Tony being the reckless asshole he was… all this… had been breaking her, slowly.  
And Extremis had been the point at which Tony had started to reconsider if relationships and superhero business really went well together. The answer was no.   
It hurt too much to just hear her name, even though it had been months now. Tony was certainly not ready to hear her voice.  
Steve must have sensed his distress, because he raised one hand and gripped Tony’s biceps, circling his thumb reassuringly over the tense muscle.

“Put her through.” Tony felt himself gnawing on his bottom lip and his breath caught, when he heard her voice:

“Tony?”

He closed his eyes for a few heartbeats. This was it. The moment, he could show her, that he was doing great without her. If he succeeded, she’d move on…that is, if she didn't already. Maybe she was seeing someone new now. She was a beautiful and sophisticated woman after all… Anyone would want to date her. God, she had been wasting so much time on him…  
He took another breath.  
“Pep! Hey, how are you, darling?” A+ for acting. He congratulated himself.

“Tony…I’m sorry. I tried to avoid it, to deal with it on my own. But I can’t, Tony-…” Pepper’s voice trembled slightly. Now Steve got tense too. Okay. This was not about him. Not really. This was either SI or Avengers business.

“Okay, okay, calm down…” Tony couldn’t help but pinch his nose. “… What happened?”

There was a pause. Pepper obviously took the time to catch her breath. “…Our stocks keep falling, Tony. Needless to say how furious the stakeholders are. I’m sorry. If this was just you and your typical troublemaking, it would not be a problem. You have to make a public statement Tony. You have to talk about Ultron and the attack.” Or… both. Great.

“Wait…” Steve answered before Tony could. “Didn’t we agree to wait until all the situation has calmed down?”

“Uhm…Steve…oh…hello.” There was a questioning undertone in Pepper’s voice but she continued: “The media won’t let it slide. People are scared, Tony and Stark Industries can’t handle any more losses. I’m asking you as your CEO. Please… I can schedule a press conference.”

Tony felt nauseous. Talking about Ultron…in public… Dammit. He had just recovered from his self-pity-trip. He took a deep breath, noticing that Steve was still gripping his arm. Tony looked at him. Ah, Steve with his endless determination and optimism… Captain America. His childhood hero, no, his team leader. Tony wasn’t alone. The realization almost knocked the air out of his lungs. Yes. There actually was a team. They would get through this. Together. The Avengers.  
His lips still trembled slightly when he responded: “I’ll do it. Leave it to me.”

Pepper sighed in relieve. “Thank you Tony! Thank you! Thank you! I’ll send you the details. I…I know, this is hard for you-…”

“Yeah… Pep, I…I don’t want to detain you any longer. You’re a busy woman after all. Have a nice day! See you at the press conference!” He couldn't listen to her voice any longer. It was too much. Pepper, Ultron and Stark Industries…too fucking much.  
He knew it would hurt her, but he simply couldn't deal with all that right now. One at a time.

“Bye, Tony…” And he didn't miss the disappointment in her voice.

And the line went dead - JARVIS, his savior.   
Tony looked down at Steve still sitting in front of him and tried to smile. “So… public statement it is…” Steve slowly rose. Tony noticed just how cautiously he moved, as if Tony was some startled animal.

“You don’t have to do this.” Steve’s voice sounded raspy and tightened the grip on Tony’s arm. “We can find another way, ok?” 

Tons shook his head at that. “No, Cap. You have seen the reports. Pepper is right. You know just as well as I do, that it’s still hell outside these walls. You go for a run every morning. I’m sure people try to talk to you.” He lowered his gaze, staring at Steve’s chest, the steady rise and fall a soothing distraction.   
Steve tried to answer. “Still…” But his voice trailed off.   
There was no other way. It had to be Tony. Otherwise SI would only profit marginally from any press conference. And it was true. The pressure by press and citizens had become almost unbearable. Tony avoided going out, afraid to be assaulted by journalists camping in front of the Avengers Tower. But it was impossible to ignore their questions. _Where did Ultron come from? Was this another alien attack? Who were those other superhumans?_ \- The Maximoff twins. Fury was now taking care of them, but Tony couldn't tell the press… _**Are we still safe? How can we be sure, the Avengers are still capable of protecting us? How can we even be sure, they won’t turn their backs on us?**_  
Deep breaths… this was his fault, he might as well bite the bullet.

He noticed Steve’s worried look and quickly lifted his head. “We’re superheroes, Steve… at least some of us… This is our job.” He raised both arms and awkwardly patted Steve’s shoulders. But he could feel his voice shaking and his vision became blurry. “…I promise, I won’t freak out.” Tony tried to smile a little, but Steve expression stayed stern.  
“Come on, it’s not that big of a de-…” But before Tony could finish, he crashed into Steve’s chest, Steve’s arms pulling him closer every second.  
“Woah,…woah, Captain, take it easy…” It had caught him off guard but he felt himself slowly leaning into the embrace. Damn… he couldn’t lose it in front of Steve again. “I’m… I’m fine, okay?… Really.”  
“You don’t have to do this… alone.” Steve’s voice came out nothing more but a whisper. “I will be there…at the press conference. The others too. We can deal with it as a team. So please don't do it on your own…”  
Tony chuckled. “Didn’t even think about that.” And it felt so good. Not only the hug, but the reassurance, that he really wasn’t alone. Even after his major screw up, the Avengers were still there, like some kind of dysfunctional family.  
“Tony…”  
“Yeah…okay. I promise I won’t do anything reckless and I won't do it lone-ranger-style” He sighed. “We’ll do it as a team.” This could work and even be good PR - the Avengers - an inseparable team one could trust and that shit.  
“Thank you…” Steve relaxed.  
Tony leaned his head against one of Steve’s shoulders, his hands slowly slipping around Steve’s waist and he tried not to think about anything and instead focus on Steve’s hands drawing small circles on his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... even more AoU footage! :O I love it!  
> Also: There will be Spidey in the next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Panic attacks, suicidal thoughts

The press conference had been set for the next day and the atmosphere was steadily declining from there on. Clint had chosen to ignore it. He dealt with it the same way he dealt with everything: Concentrating an his obligations, in this case: his attendance. He had told Tony several times that he wasn’t interested in saying a single thing. Reporters weren't that interested in him in the first place.  
Natasha was a different story. After what happened with the SHIELD data, she wasn’t interested in stepping into any kind of spotlight without adequate reason, but she had reassured him she would make this an exception, even if there was no way the reporters would leave her alone. Bruce had been nowhere to be seen after the announcement. Tony assumed he was creating a new stress reducing yoga-type. Or the doctor simply wanted to use the remaining time to get as high as possible. Not that anyone would blame him. They all knew just how terrified the whole deal made him. Steve was disgustingly positive as always and had given a little speech in the living room about them being a beacon of hope for the citizen in need.  
Very inspiring. To the inhabitants of a nursing home.  
It didn't really help. Tony was a mess.  
He had spend the morning in the kitchen monologuing over several cups of coffee and imagining different scenarios, different questions the reporters could ask. This wasn’t his usual public appearance this was a _Hello, world! I fucked up! And yes, people died because of that_ \- press conference. But he couldn’t just tell the world that in fact he had created Ultron, could he? That would be the end of Stark Industries. Fuck! But he couldn't just lie either.  
He mentally went over the briefing documents Pepper had sent over. Something about Ultron being another failed experiment of a scientist. That at least wasn't a complete lie, but it wasn't the truth either. The whole situation was fucked up. He wanted to crawl into his workshop and hide there forever like the little child he was, but that obviously wasn't an option.  
Why? Why did he play around with unknown technology? Yeah… to find out how it works. But seriously? Using Chitauri-technology to create a guard-bot? Stupid! He called himself a genius, for fuck’s sake!  
…He found himself panicking again. His legs started shaking and soon his whole body joined in. The coffee slipped through his fingers and the cup hit the floor with a loud clangour. He stumbled towards the nearest kitchen counter desperately grabbing it. His breath was erratic and he tried his best to keep from hyperventilating, without any success. Dammit… he really, really needed therapy. He was getting panic attacks from almost anything nowadays… space, aliens, New York itself, his own inventions and now even press conferences. Pathetic.  
He was a fucking superhero! He should be able to deal with a few traumatic events - traumatic events basically made up the job description.  
Tony curled one of his trembling hands into a fist and started punching the kitchen counter as if it was the origin of all his problems, but it only made his knuckles bleed. He hoped the pain would at least distract him. It didn't help at all.  
He couldn't even feel it. His body was too pumped up with adrenalin and his thoughts kept spinning. The only thing he could feel was his heart beating faster than it should and he could hear his own blood rushing through his veins. It felt as if he was about to burst. And maybe that would be for the best. Maybe he should just die…now…instantly… Maybe he should have died a long time ago, in that cave in Afghanistan. No one to build killer robots capable of fighting norse gods… no one to make Stark Industries stocks crash… no one to make Avengers-business more of a pain in the ass than it already was. And finally, **finally** , the public would have a culprit for what had happened.  
It would create some hell of a headline: _Tony Stark - he could not take the guilt._ \- All problems solved.  
And suddenly he felt something strangely familiar on his back, making slow circling motions. It took him several seconds to realize it was Steve’s hand and he finally opened his eyes.  
“You with me, Tony?” Steve sounded so understanding, so gentle. It only made Tony feel worse, but he nodded nevertheless. Slowly. The room spinning around him.  
“I’m with you…” Tony almost didn’t recognise his own voice. It was too thin and shaky to belong to him.  
“Okay…Concentrate on my voice.” Steve turned him around, towards himself and Tony found something pressed against his uninjured hand. A paper bag. “You know this, right? Breath…”  
Tony slowly lifted the paper bag towards his mouth, following Steve’s instructions to breath in and out and after what felt like an eternity his chest finally stopped shaking.  
“I hate you.”, he coughed out but Steve just smiled, turning around to take a first aid kit from one of the counters. “No you don’t.”  
“No, I don’t…” Tony admitted and took another shaky breath. “How are the others?”  
“They’re doing okay, I guess… They’re not very eager to do this. Neither am I, to be honest.” Steve bowed down a padded a piece of cotton bathed in disinfectant on Tony’s wound. Finally the pain set in and Tony grid his teeth.  
“I could do it alone.”, he said the same time Steve whispered: “We can still call it off” And Tony blinked. Steve looked up, another smile gracing his lips. “We’re obviously not ready. What’s a press conference worth anyways? This is just about image, isn't it? I don’t really care, what people think about me. We are there when they need us. That’s everything that should matter.” He drew a heavy sigh. “Let Stark Industries do a conference on their own…” He applied several band-aids on Tony’s hand, which looked ridiculous, but Tony hated bandages. He would get rid of one in a matter of seconds and Steve knew that.  
“No.” Tony said the word before his brain could catch up with anything Steve had just said and he felt his body tense up again. “The company’s at stake and I caused Pepper enough headaches as it is.”  
Steve was frozen in place. He obviously didn’t expect objections. But than again, Steve knew Tony. There would always be objections, regardless of any condition he was in.  
“Tony…” His voice sounded almost annoyed.  
“Steve!” And it came out way more aggressive than intended. Steve instantly removed his hands.  
“…you just had a severe panic attack.” Steve straightened, his voice firm and bordering Captain America.  
Tony blinked a few more times and but decided aggressive was what he needed right now. “So what? That’s my problem! You might be Avengers-leader, but this is about me, not the team!”  
Steve gulped. “Tony, you’re not stable right now.”  
Tony couldn't stand looking him in the eyes. “I never am. It’s kinda like my secret, Cap. You know… just like Bruce’s? I am the guy who fucks up. I know how to deal with it. Go be a beacon of hope elsewhere! I’ll deal with it - I’ll make it an Iron-… I’ll make it a Tony Stark only press conference. You happy now?” Tony straightened up and took a deep breath.  
It felt like kicking a puppy. But Tony couldn't give in. Not this time. Giving a shit about the public opinion was easy for Steve, but Tony had spend his whole life in the public eye. His fortune was depending on what people thought about him. What good was an arc reactor creating clean energy when no one wanted to buy it, because they hated the jerk who built it. And in contrast to what his life had been before Afghanistan, his fortune now had a purpose: he was the one financing the Avengers. So no, the Avengers were in some way dependent on the public opinion.  
Even though Tony knew Steve was the kinda guy who would fight evil while living in the sewers feeding on rats.  
“Tony, calm down. I just want to help you.” Steve tried to grab Tony’s shoulder but Tony smacked his hand away.  
“Don’t.”  
“That!…That’s exactly what I wanted to avoid! You’re freaking out! And you’re doing your solo-thing again! I told you: You are not alone.” Now Steve was getting angry. Fan-fucking-tastic. “We are a team! Why are you being so-…”  
“So what?” Tony was losing control over his actions. It all came out on impulse. This was bad. “So me? The guy who’s not following your orders, Captain?… Okay then let’s solve our little problem! Kick me out of the team. Tell them it was my fault!”  
The room fell silent for several devastating seconds.  
Steve took a step towards Tony, his voice nothing more but a whisper, but one could hear the anger nonetheless: “Listen.”  
It made the hair on the back of Tony’s neck stand up straight and he finally looked up to Steve.  
“You want to make me angry?” There was a bitter smile on Steve’s lips but his eyes pierced Tony’s with determination. “I will not do you the favor… not that easily. I will not kick you out, you hear me. You are an important asset to the team.” Tony rolled his eyes, but before he could retort something about being the guy who pays, Steve continued: “…Just listen to me this one time! God dammit. Stop blaming yourself! You’re not the bad guy here…”  
“No, I’m not.” Tony didn’t miss a beat. “But I’m not one of you good guys either. I’m a pragmatic, not a hero. You don’t know me, Steve…not really. Stop talking big.”  
Another silence.  
Steve opened his mouth as if to say more, but he was cut off by the mission-alert.  
Ever since SHIELD was gone, Tony had set the thing up to inform everyone to suit up. He swallowed everything still lingering between them and lowered his eyes. “Hit us with the details, J.”  
JARVIS’ voice nearly drowned in the siren of the alarm. “A giant lizard, sir, at least according to eye witnesses on social media. The police is on their way, which means that civilians are still involved.”  
“Send the location to our systems…and get my suit ready.” Tony wanted to leave, but Steve blocked his way.  
“Let’s talk about this later.”  
Tony didn’t answer or spare Steve another look and left the kitchen as quickly as he could.  
“Everyone! Suit up! Well meet in ten. **Avengers Assemble!** ” Steve echoed from everywhere in the tower, the strain in his voice undeniable even through the speakers.  
Tony hurried to the workshop and got into his suit. He was airborne before the others even reached the Quinjet.  
“Iron Man! What the fuck?!” Obviously Clint had been the first to notice.  
Tony shut down his comm-unit. He just wanted to get it over with.  
It wasn't their first mission since Ultron. Fighting certainly felt different since the attack, not only because Thor was still missing but because people were generally more cautious when it came to them. They didn't cooperate, insisted on waiting for the police and it made everything a lot more complicated. Tony wasn’t very eager on that, but they had to finish the thing as soon as possible. It was only three hours until the press conference.  
He fired the rest of all his unresolved tension into the repulsors.

 

When he reached the scenery, he stopped. The streets were coated with heavy dust. But in midst of fleeing civilians and crashing building parts, Tony saw two dancing shadows. Someone was with the lizard-thing. A slim figure dressed in red and blue moved incredibly fast between buildings, swinging from one of them to another with what looked like strange white ropes.  
“What the fuck?!” He tried to evaluate the situation. The figure was definitely humanoid… maybe even human and was fighting the lizard. “JARVIS, you didn't say anything about more company.”  
“I’m incredibly sorry, sir. There were no reports about more parties being involved until a few seconds ago.”  
“Run an analysis. I want to know what we are dealing with here.” He moved a little closer to observe his unknown helper. “Where do Tarzan’s lianas come from?”  
“Those white ropes, you are referring to, sir, seem to emerge from their wrists. The consistency and optics strongly resemble the ones of spiderwebs. That might be the reason those ropes are capable of sticking to the exterior of buildings. I might also point out that the unknown party appears to be in a costume. Not unlike you or the rest of the Avengers.”  
“A superhero… You’ve got to be kidding me.” He shifted his weight heading straight for the ground and landed in his trademark pose, the ground cracking lightly underneath his feet. “Turn the speakers on.” He cleared his throat, but before he could speak, the person halted mid-swing and almost lost the grip on the rope as if he (obviously a he - the tight spandex he was wearing didn't leave that question unanswered) sensed him somehow. Tony retried: “What do you think, you’re doing here and who the fuck are you?”  
The guy almost gracefully slid to the ground, eyeing Tony with more body language then necessary, cocking his head to the side. “Oh…my…God! You're Iron Man! That’s-!… Dude! I’m one of your biggest fans! Not just the suit! Your work! Everything… Oh my God! I met Tony Stark!” He shuffled towards Tony, examining him from every angle. Tony raised his hands and pointed his repulsors at the guy who jumped back showing him his palms in surrender. “Woah! Calm down.”  
This was annoying. “I won’t ask a second time.”  
The guy straightened up. “Okay okay.. I’m…your friendly neighborhood- spider! Spider- Man!” It sounded as if he had rehearsed that part and was waiting for some kind of applause. But Tony really wasn’t in the mood.  
“That’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard.”  
The guy’s shoulder sunk in disappointment.  
A big chunk of debris flew towards them and Tony used his repulsors, which were still pointed at…Spider- Man… to reduce it to powder.  
And Tony didn’t even wish for the applause that followed. “Dude…you.are.so.cool.”  
He couldn’t help but sigh. “Let’s deal with this later, ok? Stay away.” He took off. Really? How old was this spider guy even? He sounded and looked just way too young. 16? 17? He couldn't be older than that. So now even children tried to play superhero. That was the least he needed right now. He tried to concentrate on the lizard-thing…-guy…whatever. He would just finish this up and the others could talk some sense into the kid. This was no place to be playing around - with or without fancy gadgets.  
“Sir, the rest of the Avengers will arrive in thirty seconds. Do you want me the turn your comm-unit back on?”  
Tony hesitated for a moment, dodging a car flying towards him. “…Yes.”  
Not even a second later, he could hear Steve’s voice: “Iron Man. Status.”  
Tony made a mental note to pour himself a drink as soon as this was done. He wouldn't survive the press conference sober anyways.  
“Everything’s okay.” He saw the red alerts flashing up inside his helmet a split second too late.  
Spiderman crashed into him. The kid had - of course- disobeyed his order and had managed to be turned into a missile.  
Tony tried to intercept the fall, but he had been caught off guard. Both of them crashed into the nearest building. Glass shattering round them as they made contact with several desks and closets of an abandoned office. Thank fuck, the building was empty already. He could hear Natasha swear over the comms.  
Spider-Man got up first rubbing his head. “Ouch…”  
“Are you okay?!” The last thing Tony could use right now, was a child getting hurt playing superhero on one of his missions.  
“Yeah. I’m okay. I’m healing already.” Spider-Man stood. The fall had damaged several parts of his uniform. The skin however, looked almost untouched aside from a few bruises and even fewer cuts.  
Fuck. Not just fancy gadgets then… superhuman abilities.  
Tony quickly switched back to the comms: “Cap? I don’t think this lizard-thing will be a big deal. But I guess we got ourselves another problem called…Spider- Man.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so..hello spidey!  
> I hope the angst wasn't too much for you guys! =/ Feel free to tell me!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for the long wait... Life intervened and obviously the movie came out. >_> I hope you people are still interested in this fan fiction though ;)
> 
> Well not everything I assumed was canon in the end..but hey...pretty close!  
> ALSO: The actual canon kinda bled into this story... I hope it doesn't bother anyone. Anyways...!

“What do you mean ‘problem’?”  
Tony suppressed an annoyed groan his eyes fixed on Spider-Man watching his every move. They’d only been here for a couple of minutes but still the kid had managed to build himself a reputation for getting into trouble. Tony didn’t like it. That was basically his job but he was easily twice the kid’s age. If not more.  
“I mean what I said: A problem. Something we have to deal with. Ring a bell, Cap?” The snark wasn’t really necessary, but with the latest turn of events he felt just completely done. He was exhausted and the prospect of the press conference didn't change that one bit.  
Spider Man was looking at him, curious pose and obviously trying to listen to the conversation. That’s what he got for not muting the speakers. The kid was obviously a fan. He’d probably be pretty excited about meeting the rest of the Avengers, especially…  
“Was that Captain America?!”  
Well…  
  
Tony wanted to scream or crawl into the nearest hole and hide from everyone for the rest of eternity. And in several hundred years people would find his mummy inside the suit and wonder whether he had been a sacrifice in an ancient ritual to appease a giant lizard- god. And they wouldn't be that far from the truth…  
  
“Point, Iron Man.” Yes…right. Steve’s voice pitched into a low frequency. Something he only did when he was really (really) annoyed and it was generally directed at Tony. “There’s someone else. Here. He’s a kid. Not the normal kind. Superhuman abilities and all. It’s…” Tony sighed resisting the urge to flip up the face plate and pinch his nose. “It’s something we cannot ignore.”  
He was met with silence.  
Spider-Man was staring at him with anticipation. Tony couldn’t see his eyes but his body language gave it all away.  
The silence stretched until the lizard decided it was done with being ignored and went on with its rampage. Its roar was followed by the sound of several small explosions - probably Clint’s work.  
  
Steve cursed under his breath and Tony would have commented on it, but he could relate too much. “Take him to the tower.” Wait. No. This was not an option.  
  
“Steve!”  
  
“No. We can take care of that thing. Fly him back. Keep an eye on him and find out where he came from.”  
  
Tony knew what Steve really meant: _Find out if he's another HYDRA experiment._  
The chances were slim. There was no information in any of the HYDRA or SHIELD files about experiments on spiders - because really: Who would come up with that? Scratch that… They were fighting a lizard. But obviously the requirements to be part of said experiments were something along the lines of ‘You hate the Avengers? - Great!’ or ‘You hate Tony Stark? - Well, fear no more! We’ll give you the chance to kick him in the arse!’ and that kid did not quite fulfill any of those. But taking him to the tower… It was their headquarters after all. And it had taken enough of a beating in their battle against Ultron. It had just been restored. Tony liked it better in one piece if he was being honest. If that kid turned out to be some kind of super-spy, Tony would rather not have that revelation in his own home. He was sick of hotels and substitute apartments.  
  
“I don’t think so.” He tried to think of an excuse. “You need airborne support. Widow can do the interrogation. She’s way better at it, anyways.”  
  
And would probably scar the kid for life. But so would Tony if Spider-Man turned out to be really just an average teenager… with super powers. Tony Stark was not the right person to talk about responsibilities and the dangers of being a superhero, if that was what the kid was trying to be.  
“I already called for backup.” Oh. Great. So Steve had called his bird-friend. Guess who’d become useless just now? Army buddies forever and all that jazz!  
Somewhere in the distance the lizard shrieked in pain and a loud roar of the Hulk echoed from between the buildings. They obviously could manage that thing even without Tony’s help.  
  
Steve’s voice sizzled over the comms. “Don’t argue with me on that, Iron Man. Go. That’s an order.” He sounded a little out of breath as if he was running.  
“Oh, so bossy, honey. You could have asked nicely…”, Tony replied dryly his voice lacking the usual charm and he finally got up. “Kid?”  
Spider-Man’s whole pose screamed confusion.  
“Hold on tight. And I mean really, really tight.” He prepared for the takeoff and Spider-Man slowly shuffled towards him, but made no attempts to hold on.  
“No…I…I wanna help you guys. That’s what I do! I’m a superhero.” Well, that answered the question. Great.  
Tony neither had time nor patience for this.  
“You wanna see the tower?”  
“Yes!” Spider-Man didn’t miss a beat.  
“Then hold on. Let the adults do the work, you might even get some merchandise.”  
Hallelujah, that convinced him somehow and after a few shy attempts he swung his arms around Tony’s neck and stepped unto one of the boots.  
Without a warning Tony took off. They shot through the big hole they had created earlier leaving the fight and the others behind.  “Keep me updated, J, will you?”  
“Gladly, sir.”

  
  


Tony should have guessed that since Spider Man basically travelled by swinging from building to building on high speed he wouldn't have any problems holding unto to suit. But he started screaming and cheering when Tony sped up and in a matter of minutes they reached the tower and landed on the platform.  
Spider-Man immediately gave him some space. “Wow! Dude! That. was. awesome! Let’s do that again sometime, pleeeease?”  
It was adorable…somehow. Tony could still remember the amazement after his first flight attempts with the suit. He had been bruised all over his body but the adrenalin in his blood had left him grinning like an idiot for days. He couldn’t help but understand the kid and sighed nevertheless.  
  
“First: No. Second: Don’t ever call me dude again. Ever.”  
Spider-Man’s shoulders sunk. “…sorry. It won’t happen again. It’s just… I’ve been your fan since like…forever! And now you’re here and I’m here. I mean, here in the tower! And my mind is really kind of blown.”  
The platform’s hatches opened and bot arms emerged dissembling the armor. Tony walked towards the doors letting the bots do their work.  
Spider-Man was frozen in place for a few moments. “…I don’t even have words…”  
  
Tony made a beeline for the bar. He couldn't stay sober for this one. The heck with this whole teenager - situation at hand! Scotch? Scotch.  
He fixed himself the drink and waited for the kid to finally join him.  
Spider-Man cautiously stepped in looking around. “Wow…uhm… you really like windows, huh?”  
Tony didn’t bother to respond to that. Yes, he liked looking at the sky or at what his coworkers, colleagues or employees were doing. He always found ceilings to be oppressive in some way. There was nothing wrong with that! Additionally, more windows meant more chances to spot a missile flying towards you before it could actually hit your home. He had been there. Leaves a guy paranoid.  
  
“You want some orange juice. JARVIS, do we have any juice in the kitchen?”, he finally asked.  
“Yes, sir, Captain Rogers made sure that the fridge is stocked with nutritious food and drinks. However, you might want to have a look at the bar’s fridge since there are always several juices in stock for cocktail mixing.”  
  
Spider-Man jumped and looked up. “Woah. What was that?!”  
“That…”, Tony pointed towards the ceiling since everyone seemed to think JARVIS was living up there. “…is my butler and kinda the guardian of the whole tower. If you so much as think about stealing something, he will know. His eyes are everywhere.” He bowed down to grab a carton of orange juice and poured it into a glass.  
Spider-Man lifted his hands in defense. “Didn’t think about it.”  
“And how might I address our guest, sir?”  
  
“Just call him ‘kid’.”, Tony said the same time Spider Man shouted: “Spider-Man!”  
  
“Obviously he does not like to be referred to as ‘kid’, sir.”  
“Well, he **could** tell you his name.” and Tony gave Spider-Man a sly smile.  
The kid shuffled from one foot to another. “I…uhm… I’d rather not do that.”  
Huh.  
  
Tony thought about asking why. The kid thought of them as colleagues, so there wouldn’t be problem, would there?  
But then it hit him. Everyone associated with them had their identity and basically their whole life made public. Every secret, the names and files of every associate of SHIELD had been uploaded to the internet. It was basically the reason why Natasha had been avoiding leaving the tower even before Ultron and she was a spy. She was trained to go anywhere unnoticed. Of course it wouldn’t happen again since SHIELD was basically still gone. But it was always wise to fear that history might repeat itself.  
This kid wasn’t dumb. Tony made a mental note.  
“Okay, let’s stick with your neighborhood spider crap.”  
“Hey!”  
  
Secret identities had a downside though: How on earth was Tony supposed to confirm that the kid was harmless if he didn’t know a damn thing about him? He seemed like the average teen but then again, he could he trained to appear that way. And frankly, Tony didn't consider himself the best judge of character after what happened with Obie.  
  
“How old are you? That’s something you can tell me, isn’t it?”  
Spider-Man waited a few seconds and seemed to decide, that it was safe to reveal his age and that Tony Stark wouldn’t somehow find his identity by age profiling…or something along the lines.  
“Fifteen.” Spider-Man finally responded.  
The juice nearly slipped from Tony’s fingers.  
Fifteen… that was… way too young. That was the age he had been when he had enrolled in MIT. Something he would not recommend to any teenager. Being surrounded by adults had led to rather unintelligent life-choices. There had been a lot of occasions when Tony had felt the need to prove himself. Alcohol…sex scandals…that had been the origin of all that. The origin of the public mask he had created. If he had the chance to go back now and give his younger self just one message… Well, he had a chance now, didn't he?  
  
“You’re just a child.” He took a big gulp from his scotch. Great way to make a point. He cringed slightly. He was such a great role model. Then again, nobody expected him to behave like one. Maybe this was the point. Maybe the kid could understand the whole don’t-become-like-me-crap.  
“Do yourself a favor: Stay a child for a while longer.” Spider-Man stared at him.  
“I’m not a-…”  
“Yes, you are.” He sighed heavily. “You’re fifteen! Listen. You want to be a hero. You can become one… in five… maybe six years. For now, leave the bad guys to us and enjoy your youth. It will be over soon enough.”  
  
Spider-Man’s pose shifted. He straightened up trying to stand his ground but he was still smaller than Tony (who was not the tallest person to begin with).  
“But you guys need help. I mean, you did your best in that big battle. But to be honest…”  
And what the kid said next, made Tony shiver and he tried to hide it the best he could:  
**“…you were not enough.”**  
  
That was it. The line it all came down to.  
  
Tony put the scotch and the juice down taking big breaths to keep his pulse from picking up speed. Now was not the time to lose it. Not in front of a child.  
Thoughts raced through his mind and he tried to shut them up.  
“…not enough, huh…?”  
For a split second he could see Steve’s dead eyes staring into nothingness and alien ships… so so many alien ships flying through yet another wormhole. _You could have saved us…_  
“…I should have done more…” He said without thinking.  
Spider-Man was still staring at him. “Uhm… what?”  
  
The memory of his vision shook him. It had felt so real. A future likely to happen anytime soon… And he would be the only one left alive. The last man standing for whatever stupid reason. A coincidence maybe…something that left that one useless guy alive…Well he could still built a killer-bot…  
No. He would not be responsible for adding a child to the pile of dead bodies lying right before his inner eyes.  
He gulped the panic down and felt the last remnants of the scotch burning in his throat.  
  
“Nothing. I agree… We might be outnumbered sometimes but that doesn't change a damn thing. You will not be an Avenger. Not at that age, kid.”  
“Aw, come one!”, the kid squeaked but Tony stood his ground. Yeah, he felt like a real adult for once.  
“That is my last word.” Did he really say that? Sounded like a lame-ass middle-aged-father-response but it sure had it’s effect, because Spider-Man stilled.  
“Excuse me, sir?” JARVIS interrupted his big moment. “The press conference will begin in ten minutes. What do you want to do.”  
Tony stilled. Ah…right… there was still that thing…  
  
He was silent for several moments until JARVIS’ voice broke the silence again: “Might I suggest something, sir?”  
Tony knew what he was playing at. He couldn't leave the kid alone, but he had to attend the press conference… And bringing Spider-Man would cause unnecessary interest in him.  
“Yes, I will leave him in your caring hands.” He didn't like the idea, but he had no other choice. “But call Happy first. I will arrive the traditional way. Let’s not make a show out of it.” He made for the elevator and hid the bottom. He was still dressed in the undersuit but he was sure Pepper had spare clothes prepared in case he didn't look presentable. He was Tony Stark after all.  
“W-what?! You can’t leave me here all on my own!” At least the kid didn't sound offended. He sat down on one of the couches and continued to whine.  
  
“You won’t be on your own.” Tony responded over one of his shoulders.  
The elevator doors opened and the Vision smiled down at him slowly exiting the elevator.  
“I wish you good luck, sir… No. Success.”  
“Thanks, J. Keep an eye on him while I’m gone. Don’t let him steal anything.” With that Tony left and watched the elevator doors close. His stomach turned as he thought of what was lying ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it~  
> I'm off studying cause finals...yay! But don't worry it won't take that long for me to post the next chapter. Procrastination ftw!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another warning: panic attacks and possibly feels too

Lights, bright lights… flashes and the voices of people… way too many of them…  
Tony had to remind himself that he was used to these kinds of situations.  
It couldn't be worse than post- Afghanistan, could it?  
He lifted his head, standing behind a console clutching the cards Pepper had given him. His smile was constantly on the brink of slipping from his face. He gulped relaxing his cheek muscles a little. “Can we not do… this, please?” 

A small pause and the thunderstorm of voices restarted. 

They were just like crows waiting for a predator to attack the prey so that they could salvage the leftovers. The question was: Who would dare to attack him?  
Silence.  
Tony looked at the questioning faces of several hundred journalists until he realized someone must have made the first step: ask a bold question. He searched the crowd with his eyes until he found a middle-aged man with a particularly smug smile on his face. The crow comparison really did him justice.  
Tony closed his eyes und took a deep breath. At least that guy wasn’t Christine Everhart though she had to be here… somewhere.

The guy looked at his notes then back at Tony, smile still in place. “Those robots…? I don’t mean Ultron - that’s what he’s called, right? I mean this army of robots. Those were yours, weren't they? Avenger bots?”

Tony took another deep breath - damn. damn. DAMN. DAMMIT! - adjusted his own smile and nodded. Another storm of flashes. 

Déjà vu. His own words echoed in his mind: _I saw young Americans killed by the very weapons I created to defend them and protect them…_  
Not only Americans now, huh?

He wished for his team to be with him. Someone to be by his side. Anyone! But Pepper was standing at the exit, watching him and clutching her purse. Her eyes piercing through him. _Don't fuck this up!_  
Tony hands started shaking and he hid them behind the console. This was not the right place and time to show weakness.

“Our systems…” His own voice sounded so unfamiliar… too weak…too raspy and he did his best to keep it from breaking altogether. “Our systems have been compromised”  
More flashes. People writing down words. Faces. Distorted into smiles…grins. More questions. And it was way too loud until all noise suddenly faded away leaving only a steady beep. Nothing but _BEEEEEEEEEEEEP_ or was it his heartbeat? Tony wasn’t sure. He felt nauseous. He kept swaying on his feet. Cold sweat was forming on his forehead and no makeup could hide that.  
He knew he had to say something. They were waiting for answers and DAMN he was supposed to be good at this kind of stuff. He was Tony Stark!  
But this day had been one kind of an emotional roller coaster ride and he was tired and terrified and he wanted nothing more than to sit in the common living room and to watch another hilarious movie with the others.  
No journalists, no lizards, no spiderkid… nothing. Just a few more minutes and he could at least go home and the whole situation would be better by then, right?

He straightened up. “Excuse me… I just arrived from a rather… tiring battle against a lizard and-…”

“Yeah. We saw that actually.” Ah. There she was. Christine. The predator of predators. Her voice pierced through the beep. “And rather than fighting, we saw you leave with another person. Masked.”  
Now he really wanted to vomit, but she didn’t stop: “Is this another superhuman? Tell me: Just how many are out there exactly?”

They had been watching? Of course! And they had seen Spider Man. That kid was trouble. Real trouble. Did they think he was connected to Ultron somehow? HYDRA? And what if they were right?

“I…uhm” He was at a loss, desperately gripping Pepper’s cards tighter. What did they say again? Nothing about teenagers who wanted to play superhero? Well. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The Vision was with Spider Man right now. He would definitely find out if the kid was HYDRA or not, because the Vision was JARVIS. JARVIS was alive now and that was jolly wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, totally. FUCK! He had to find out who the kid was! Who wouldn't tell Iron Man their identity? Suspicious people, that’s who! No. There was no other way.  
Another deep breath. “We don't know yet.” But soon.

“Well shouldn't it be one of your biggest concerns?” Oh. He hated her. With all his scarred and battered heart. His biggest concern? Right now? Not fucking losing it in front of the whole world! How about that?!  
Her smile was almost charming when she went on. “Don’t get me wrong, Mr. Stark, but with the latest turn of events…The Hulk attacking people… more super humans - and very strong ones that is-… a killer robot with an army of **your** bots…” She made a dramatic pause shaking her head several times. Well fuck you too! “…We are seriously concerned.”

He knew that. He wasn’t blind, GODDAMMIT! He was concerned himself. Scared. That’s why it had happened in the first place!  
If he didn't feel so fucking useless…so fucking weak…he never would have taken Loki’s scepter. But he had to at least try it and he still had to find a way to become stronger than he was now. If he didn’t… Everyone…  
But now everything was slowly falling apart, everything he had worked for. Everything the others had worked for! And he was standing here! On a fucking podium! About to tell the world that some scientist had built Ultron! When the truth was…! The truth was…

“This is all my fault.” 

It was out before he even registered the thought. 

The room was completely silent. It was as if time had stopped. Christine Everhart’s twisted smile. Silent gasps. Pepper’s shocked expression. And he realized that he had yet again fucked up. Big time.  
Just then, the journalists recovered from their paralysis. Tomorrow's headlines dripped from their mouths. They had been waiting for this. He should have seen it coming…

It was a disaster.

Before he could mess anything else up Happy and another bodyguard escorted him from the podium, journalists and cameras following him until the door towards the backstage area finally locked them out. He couldn't even blink before he was face to face with Pepper. Her face was red with anger, her eyes glistening with tears. “Tony… what have you done?”

Oh shit. Shit. Fuck. FUCK! This was bad, this was really really bad. He had just told the whole world the truth about Ultron. Bye bye, superhero bonus points. They would hunt him down wouldn't they? Lynch him! Who wouldn’t? And Stark Industries?  
HOLY SHIT! Stark Industries!  
He looked helplessly at Pepper.

“I…I’m sorry, Pep…I’m so sorry…”

“Go.”

“But…”

“Go. Now.”

Happy cautiously grabbed his shoulder. “The journalists are on their way towards the tower.”

Tony almost blacked out.

Happy led him towards the car. The ride passed in a blur of pretty lights rushing by and Frank Sinatra buzzing in the back of his head. He closed his eyes. Why Sinatra? He didn't even like the guy. Steve was the fanboy. Steve. Steve would know what to do. Steve would fix this.

He noted the cars parking right in front of the tower, but Happy used the hidden entrance and suddenly - BING! - the elevator doors opened and there was his team.

He was frozen inside the elevator. They were still in uniform and he made out several shallow injuries, but all in all they looked fine. Their eyes were fixed on him, void of any emotion. They must have just returned, but he was sure the news travelled faster than him.  
Finally, he started walking. One foot in front of the other, his legs shaking, his breath hitching.  
“I messed up…!” His legs gave up, but before he hit the ground, Bruce caught him.  
“Everything’s alright, Tony.”  
“N-no! No it’s not alright! They will kill me!” He searched the faces of the others and found Steve’s. 

Steve was standing there, arms crossed, jaw clenched and his eyes… his eyes screamed disappointment. The same disappointment he had seen in Pepper’s eyes just a few minutes ago.  
“I’m sorry”, he breathed out and Steve turned around und left.  
No. This wasn’t happening. Steve wouldn't just leave him. He couldn’t! He was his best friend! The fucking team leader!  
Desperately he tried to straighten up and failed, Bruce’s arms the only thing keeping him from falling over. 

Bruce started patting his back. “It’s okay. Give him time. He will understand and we… We’ll fix this…somehow.”  
Bruce raised his head towards Natasha and Clint, nodding towards them but Clint just raised his shoulders at him. 

“Dunno, buddy…” he looked at Tony. “Seems like you dug your own grave”

Natasha pinched him before she turned towards Tony again. “They just hate one more of us now, Stark.” She sighed. “It’s not that big of a deal. Besides, people never really liked you in the first place” The corners of her lips raised in a sad little smile. Tony noted how tired she looked.

“I…I guess”, he offered. He finally managed to stand on his own, but Bruce’s hand didn't leave his back. He gave himself a few moments to calm down. That’s when his brain caught up. “Where’s the kid?!”

“Home, sir.” came from the speakers. “At least we hope so. We unanimously decided that he was no imminent danger. I sincerely hope this was in your terms, sir?”

“Yes… Thank you, J…” 

But he would have to come back to this.

Bruce smiled softly. “How about we all take a shower and meet again for another movie night?”

Clint chuckled: “Greatest idea I heard today!”

Tony tried to return the smile. “I’d like that…”

They dispersed and Tony took the elevator towards the penthouse, stripping off his suit jacket and tie until he discovered Steve standing right in the middle of his living room and watching the city from one of the broad windows. The red, white and blue of his uniform reflecting in the city lights.

Tony halted and hesitated before he spoke: “Hey Cap… you…up for movie night, too?”

“I knew this would happen. I should have stopped you.”

And Tony froze again, a hysteric little laugh escaping his throat.  
“Yeah, probably.” His retort was met with a snarl and Tony decided it was likely for the better if he kept his mouth shut.

Finally, Steve turned around, his hands clenched to fists, his eyes grim. “I told you, not to do it alone! Why do you never listen?! Dammit! Tony!”

Tony jumped a little. “I’m sorry.” This was bad.

“You’re always sorry! That’s the DAMN PROBLEM!”  
Steve approached him and Tony backed up, because Steve was shouting and Steve was cursing and Tony had never seen him so angry not even after Tony had built Ultron… It was scary.

Tony’s back hit the nearest wall, his eyes snapping up towards Steve’s who had halted just in front of him. He was just standing there, staring at him and now Tony saw the wariness in his eyes. Steve was just as lost as he was…

Tony gulped. “It’s the only thing I can say right now… I…” 

Lost and tired… so tired.

His head fell forward, against Steve’s chest and he raised two shaking hands towards the star on Steve’s chest as he tried to grab as much fabric as he could. “I’m done for, Steve… I-I don’t know what to do…” He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling his voice breaking completely. “…Help me…please…”

Steve inhaled and brought his hands up to pull Tony closer, but he was silent. Just when Tony thought he wouldn't answer at all, he slowly let go again and rested his hands on Tony’s shoulders.

Tony wanted to say something, maybe even joke to make the atmosphere somehow a little less tense, but Steve bowed down to kiss one of his temples. Tony bit his bottom lip.

“There are a lot of people who really love you, Tony…” Steve’s voice was nothing more but a whisper. “But you have this habit of really pissing us off!” His grip on Tony’s shoulders became stronger, until he relaxed and let go entirely. “This one’s on you. I’m sorry.” And with that he left.

Tony was blinking to keep his eyes from stinging and slowly slid down the wall until he found the ground. 

“J?…”

“Yes, sir?”

He nodded slowly as if to agree with his own thoughts running his fingers through his hair several times until it was nothing more but a mess.  
“Can I…? Can you tell the others, I’m calling it a day?”

“Of course, sir.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some flangst for you~
> 
> Warnings: Alcohol abuse 
> 
> Lesson of the day: Don't drink on an empty stomach... just don't.

Tony barricaded himself in the workshop for six days straight. He didn't answer Pepper’s calls, he didn't read her mails or mails in general and he didn't speak to anyone.  
He kept working on several pointless projects or repaired broken equipment and finally settled for the suit. Fixing things… cursing everything… and breaking parts only to fix them again… - a tumbler of scotch his constant companion.  
JARVIS was quiet the whole time. Tony knew he was watching. He was always watching. Tony trusted him but… not like before. He was afraid JARVIS might intervene with his coping mechanism. He would never admit it in front of others but he was afraid of the Vision, afraid that he wasn't really JARVIS, not the JARVIS he knew and loved at least.  
And drunk was really not the appropriate state to have a heart to heart with him.  
So he hadn't even tried to start even a simple conversation with him and instead tasked him with finding any information on the spiderkid. 

The others didn't dare to enter the workshop. Bruce had left food in front of the door several times and Tony had tried to eat it but ended up not finishing a single meal.  
At least he had kept some of it in. His emergency ventures to the workshop’s bathroom had been more than enough as it was.  
He had managed to keep sleep at bay for the most part but his body had trumped him twice and he had spent several hours with his upper body lying on the workbench and now his neck hurt like a bitch. That’s why sleep was for the weak!

So yeah. He was miserable. He kept doing pointless stuff and threw up at least twice a day. He knew he looked and smelled disgusting but leaving the workshop really wasn't an option.  
He was poking and prodding one of the suit’s gauntlets with a screwdriver when he heard the workshop door open.  
It was Bruce. He didn't have to look up. Bruce was the only one with clearance right now. Tony couldn't bring himself to deny a fellow scientist the equipment.

Bruce looked around. “Do you want to know, what you look like right now?”

“I can picture it just fine. Thank you.” Tony slurred the end of each word.

Bruce sighed and swiped his hand over his face several times. “Listen, I… I know you probably don’t want to hear that right now, but I… I know what this feels like.” Yep. Bruce was right: He didn't want to hear that.

Bruce nodded at Tony’s silence and fumbled with a ball pen. “JARVIS can you open the data of E22 B for me?”  
There was no answer. Tony felt a small twinge of guilt. JARVIS always answered. But from what he could hear, JARVIS seemed to have listened to the request and now Bruce was busy with the holograms. Tony figured he should at least act like he was doing something productive.

They worked in silence for several minutes. Tony continuing his routine of breaking and fixing things- or was it just the prodding now… whatever! -… until Bruce spoke again.

“I never thanked you.”

Tony stilled but didn't answer.  
Bruce coughed a small laugh. “For what you said to me on the helicarrier.” Tony could hear his smile. “About being a superhero. I saw myself as a liability… a monster. I still do, but you helped me, Tony. You helped me to see more than just my flaws. To see potential in what I do…in the other guy. Even…” Now he was laughing for real but it sounded too low, too raw. “… even after what happened in Wakanda. I mean, I can never forgive myself. I can’t.”

Oh no. This was the emotional friendship talk crap. Was he looking that bad? Six days were nothing he had done this for much, much longer. Ugh… That was nothing to be proud of, was it?  
He took a deep breath. Bruce was pouring his heart out right now. No time for drifting off.  
He tried to stop the swaying of his feet and trembling of his hands gulping once in an attempt to keep the nausea at bay.  
“It wasn't your fault”, he managed.

“Neither was it yours.” 

He gripped the screwdriver harder. “I don’t wanna talk about this… let’s not talk at all, okay?” Okay that had been too much already. His head was spinning again. He searched the workbench for his scotch. Better fight fire with fire.

“I don’t want to talk about this either. It hurts, because I know, Tony. I know I have hurt and killed people! But! … But every time something like this happens, every time I want to give up again…” Bruce gulped. His voice was getting louder and Tony knew without looking that his face had taken on a green tint. But Tony trusted him.  
Bruce took a shaky breath. “…this… this guy sits down with me, tells me that I’m not a monster. He tells me that I am important. That I am a hero and that I am stronger than I believe I am…”   
Tony bit his bottom lip. He abandoned the screwdriver and his search for scotch and gripped the workbench as if his life depended on it.  
Yes he had said that and it was true. Bruce was a hero and admirable. After all, he managed to control his dark side.  
But Tony… Tony’s dark side practically splattered into people’s faces as soon as he entered a room.  
Bruce went on.

“…Funny thing is, this guy is really, really smart… But he behaves like a complete idiot when it comes to himself.” Another choked laugh. A cough. Then: “You are killing yourself, Tony.”

Silence. Tony couldn’t form a single coherent thought anymore and a headache managed to fight its ways through his buzz.

“I messed up…”, Tony whispered trying to sound as sober as he could and failing miserably.

“You did not. You just told them that everything was your fault. You never said what and you never specified anything. You would be in prison right now if you really had messed up.” 

Tony knew that Bruce was right. But he was drunk and he was drowning in self-pity and he had planned for that press conference to make everything right again. It was his sorry excuse for a beacon of hope. And he had shattered it with his own two hands. Now nothing had changed.  
And he was sick of it. God… he wanted to quit the whole business for real. He wanted his life back. He wanted to be able to leave the tower without being reminded of his failures. Without people asking about Ultron. He wanted peace.  
But at the same time he knew he couldn’t have that. He had to be on guard. Because there were forces out there. Forces far more powerful than he was right now. Forces more powerful than the Avengers…  
He felt his throat go dry and took a shaky breath.

“You are bigger than this, Tony…”

Another deep breath. No, he wasn’t. He wasn't like the others. Not a hero. Not a savior… but a destroyer. His voice was leaving him. “I want to be… but every time… and Steve-…”

“Fuck Steve!” 

Tony stilled and finally looked at Bruce. That was… What?!

Bruce offered him a shrug.  
“Steve is not perfect, Tony. I know, I know - There is this whole story with your father, but Steve is just a normal person. He makes mistakes just like you and I and whatever happened between the two of you, he didn’t do the right thing. And this…” Bruce gestured around. “…this is his fault.”

Tony blinked several times. Nonononono. That was not true. Nothing of this had been Steve’s fault. Steve had been there for him. He had told him to do the whole thing as a team. But Tony was a selfish person and he had wrecked it. Steve had tried and now he was sad and disappointed. And he had every right to be. This was a misunderstanding.  
“What…? Please don’t be mad at Steve. I didn’t listen to him… like always.”

Now Bruce was getting really angry and suddenly Tony was afraid… but not for his own safety. 

“You came home. You were miserable, yes. But you calmed down. You would have been able to think clearly again.” He nodded towards Tony. “And then he talks to you and you break down completely!”

Tony slowly raised his arms, a soothing gesture and cautiously approached Bruce. “We just talked… nothing more. He just told me that he’s pretty much disappointed… but I figured as much myself…”

It didn't seem to help. Bruce’s eyes were burning and he sighed angrily. “No, it’s not nothing! You put him on a fucking pedestal and he knows that! Do you want to know why you always feel like shit?! Because you keep comparing yourself to a man that doesn’t even exist!”

Of course he was looking up to Steve. Who didn’t? He was real hero material. Righteous. Selfless. Determined. And for fuck’s sake: He had real super powers! He was not the plastic rip off version of a hero Tony was portraying. And… holy shit… he **did** compare himself to Steve…

“My old man really fucked me up…”

Bruce stayed silent. Tony didn't know if it was so he could calm down or so Tony could think some more about his revelation. But he swallowed before he finally answered.  
“I’m not in the position to talk about your father and I will not go there.” He smiled dryly. “Be honest with yourself though - Who do you really want to impress? Your dead father or Captain America?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Your giant crush on him?”

“What…?”

Bruce gathered his notes and the ball pen. His face softened slightly but the tone of his voice remained sad. “Look, I don’t like giving relationship advice, but Natasha is already taking care of him.” He finally approached Tony, rested a hand on his shoulder and gave him the first sincere smile since he entered the workshop. “Take a shower and a long nap, eat something and talk to him, okay?”

Bruce exited the workshop before Tony even had time to think of an answer but he conveniently left the door open. 

For at least ten seconds nothing happened, until the speakers cracked.  
“I do believe Doctor Banner is right, sir…”

“That I have a crush on Cap?”

JARVIS chose to ignore his question. “Do you require assistance getting to the penthouse, sir?”

Tony sighed. “No, but thank you, J…” Another sigh. “I mean it.”

But it felt as if someone had pulled a plug. Tony suddenly noticed how tired his body really was, as he slowly made for the elevator.  
It was a miracle he reached his bedroom without fainting and when he finally lay down, without bothering to undress or change clothes, he was gone in a matter of seconds.

He woke up three hours later and still not completely sober. His stomach screamed for food but he decided he wanted to feel like a person first. A shower and an intense mouthwash later he zombie walked into the common kitchen. Because his own fridge was empty, of course… Not because… oh well, yes, okay… he was feeling just a little bit lonely. But his fridge really was empty and the common kitchen always had the Pop-oh-Matic™.  
Of course he had never forgotten the sweet taste of double-chocolate-jelly-popcorn, but when he found Chinese takeout in the fridge he chose the hearty option over artificial sweetener and sat down.

It didn't take long for Steve to enter the kitchen, a big gym bag in one of his hands. It hit the ground with a loud flop.

Steve sat down opposite of him and ran a hand through his hair looking at Tony as if he wanted to say something. But nothing came out of his mouth, instead he looked troubled. Tony didn't want to know what Natasha must have done or said to him.  
He didn't like the look on Cap’s face. There was nothing to feel guilty about. It wasn't like he had hit him or something.

“Bruce and Nat are overreacting. I’m okay. See?” He pushed the food around on his plate. “I’m eating and I’m sober…almost. And I’m fresh and clean - might need a shave but that’s all. You don’t have to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He offered Steve a tired smile.

Steve still seemed to be at a loss for words and Tony went on with pecking his food, the silence stretching between them like a rift. Finally Steve seemed to make up his mind and he clenched his hands to fists.

“Go out with me.” 

Tony choked on his next mouthful. He must have been drunker than he thought he was. First Bruce and now Steve himself? He was definitely hearing things. “Look, Cap, just because someone tells you some stupid stuff you don’t have to go around and ask people out! That’s something you decide for yourself, okay?”

“Outside! Go…outside with me”, Cap corrected himself immediately. “I mean, you could use a timeout… Don’t you think? Like a few days off. That would be great, wouldn't it?”

Tony stared at him in disbelief. This was a joke, right? “A vacation…” Where did that even come from?

“Yes. I have already packed your things.” He nodded towards the gym bag and Tony raised his eyebrows at that. Great. A set-up.

“Quite cocky today aren't we, Mr. Dandy?” He pointed his fork at Steve. “And my answer is no by the way.” That being said he proceeded dissecting his Chinese noodles. 

“Well… it wasn’t really a question…more like an order from your team leader type of thing.” Steve crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back on the chair. Suddenly determined as it seemed.

“You’re ordering me to go out with you? Cocky and forceful? Now I feel strangely violated.” 

Steve sighed in response. “Come on… Tony, have you seen yourself? You look like a corpse. You locked yourself up in the workshop for almost a whole week. Your arms are shaking because your body is still lacking sleep and food.” He gestured towards him. “And yet here you are… refusing to eat like a normal person.”

“Thank you, honey. I love you, too.” Tony smiled as sweetly as he could.  
“Even if I wanted to, which I don’t, I couldn’t. People would recognize me and you, too… just saying.”

“Well you could shave the beard off completely. Works wonders… makes you look younger.” 

Tony snorted in response but couldn't suppress a smile.

Steve rose and rounded the table until he stood right behind Tony, lowering his hands to his shoulders, making Tony shiver a little at the touch.  
“And I’m fine as long as I don’t accidentally leave the tower wearing the American flag.” He started massaging Tony’s neck and Tony closed his eyes leaning back into the touch.

“You’re playing dirty, Captain…”, he moaned quietly. “… a few days?”

“Four days.”

Steve found an especially tense spot and pushed his thumbs into Tony’s muscles. He was really good at this. Tony thought about hiring him to do it on a regular basis. Another moan escaped his lips.

What could go wrong though? He liked spending time with Steve… in a completely platonic way of course. And the others knew obviously. “Where?”

“Boonville.”

Tony’s eyes snapped open. “Where the fuck is that?”

Steve chuckled. “Oneida County.” 

Tony sent him a pleading look. “Why on earth would we go on a vacation somewhere in Oneida County in a town called Bonerville?”

“Boonville. And it’s seems to be a very nice place. Caroline told me about it.” He smiled down at Tony.

“Caroline? …as in nursing- home- Caroline? That vicious old lady from the same floor as Peggy? Don’t listen to her. I always had a feeling she was a demon in disguise… ready to shed her human skin anytime.”

“Is that still about that one time she called you a five-year-old?”

Tony tilted his head back and flashed his eyes at Steve. “Because I’m not five years old, Steve! I'm a grown man and I behave at least like a 10-year-old!”

Steve chuckled again. “Anyways. She told me her daughter went there on a skiing- vacation.”

“It’s August…”

Steve didn't even pause. “…and she said it’s a nice and quiet place. You know, the kind of place where people are preoccupied with what their neighbors might have done, instead of what a bunch of superheroes in New York City look like.”

“True, but I have to talk to Pepper.”

“I already talked to her and booked everything.”

“You did what?!”

“It’s just a 5 hours ride from here. I’ll drive. No big deal. You can sleep in the car.”

“You’re not taking one of my cars.”

“I’m not taking one of yours.” Steve sighed. “They’re too flashy anyways.”

“What car then?”

“My car.”

“You bought a car?”

“Yes. Contrary to what people think, I’m not broke and you’re paying me, remember?”

Tony blinked. “Yes … yes, I remember! You know what? Scratch that whole actually- he’s- the- boss thing! I’m the boss! I’m paying you and I say no to Bonerville!”

Steve stopped massaging and Tony wanted to take it back immediately. Steve’s hand were still lying on his shoulders but he had straightened up looking through one of the many windows of the tower as if he was getting lost in the skyline of New York.

“I just want you to feel better…” He looked… sad.  
Something inside Tony’s chest clenched at the sight.  Disappointment was one thing but sadness was definitely something he didn’t want to see on Captain America’s face, especially if he was the one causing it.

Tony gulped. “Okay.” He grasped one of Steve’s hands with his own before letting go after a few seconds. “Okay. I’m coming with you to that stupid place. Just… stop that.”

The corners of Steve’s mouth shot up immediately. “Stop what?”

“Whatever.”

“Okay. Since everything is packed already… you only need to eat up.”  
Tony snorted but Steve continued: “Do you need help shaving.”

“No thank you, good Captain. I can still do that all by myself.”

Turned out: He couldn’t.  
Even after his glorious take-out meal Tony’s body refused to obey him. Not that shaving off his goatee wasn't bad enough, but facing Captain America with several tiny cuts on his face was definitely taking a top spot on his list of humiliations he’d rather not repeat.

Steve chuckled. “You look… different.”

“You can say it. No hard feelings… I look ludicrous.” Tony adjusted the blanket he had wrapped around himself.

Steve smiled, stepping into the elevator and waiting for Tony to wiggle after him. “Well actually you look c-…!”

“Steven Grant Rogers, don’t you dare say that word to me!…You of all people… with your golden retriever looks and that dorky smile…”

“So you find me cute?”

“Who wouldn’t?”

Steve smiled brightly. “Thank you.” Yeah… that smile. Stupid. Stupid smile. But anyone would find that smile cute… This was not a crush.

The elevator doors pinged open and revealed the basement garage. Tony followed Steve until…

“What’s that?”

“The car.”

“That’s not a car.” Tony said eyeing the dusty old Hyundai Atos in front of him. “It’s green!” 

Steve manually opened the door to the passenger seat and Tony cringed. “Sugarpop… as soon as this whole vacation thing is over I will tend to this abomination and maybe - just maybe - I can turn it into a decent car.”

Steve chuckled. “Just get in.”  
Tony wiggled inside and regretted it instantly. There was so little space. How did Steve even fit into this? It was as if the thing was built for children. It shook heavily when the Captain got in and put on his seat belt.

“We won’t make it to Bonerville… this thing will fall apart before we leave the city…”

Steve smiled again. “Why don’t you sleep?” He bend forward to fasten Tony’s seat belt too and hesitated before kissing one of Tony’s temples.  
 Was this a thing now? No. Steve was just being friendly.

Tony felt his mouth go dry at the touch. Ugh… not a crush… not a crush… stupid Bruce and his stupid comments…  
He pulled the blanket tighter around himself.

Steve started the car and left the garage through a secret exit so no journalists would see them. Tony didn't dare to break the silence indeed he kept staring at Steve’s profile  
The muffled voice of Frank Sinatra was cracking through the radio and just like that Tony dozed off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize to the people of Boonville, NY!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Tony's PTSD, homophobic statements, a lot of pining
> 
> Still apologizing to the people of Boonville...

Tony dreamt of his workshop and Bruce. They were working on something. It seemed to be incredibly important. Bruce was smiling. He rarely smiled. Tony returned it eagerly when Bruce told him that they were finished and that they had finally created the thing that would ultimately give them freedom. Something that would change the world. What had they been working on exactly? Tony looked down to his own hands clasping the head of a Jericho missile. Bruce kept telling him how great it was but his voice distorted, a metallic reverb creeping into it. It took Tony far too long the recognize Ultron’s voice. He looked up and saw planet earth. He was standing on some kind of space mountain looking through the wormhole, he now knew to well. Big piles of bodies lying to either side of him. He saw his team and Happy… Rhodey… Pepper.  
Ultron’s voice was omnipresent now and he was laughing at him. Invisible hands grabbed Tony, shook him and he tried to get away but he couldn’t. He curled up into a ball bashing for the hands until he realized they were gentle and that in fact they weren’t invisible at all. They belonged to a body and that body had a voice that kept saying his name over and over…

He opened his eyes, only to find Steve’s face right in front of his own and jumped a little. 

“I’m sorry. I didn't mean to startle you” Steve quickly sat back a little but didn’t let go of Tony. “You were… um…screaming.”

Tony blinked. “Why aren't we moving? Are we there already? Did the car break down?”

Steve looked him over, his hands on Tony’s shoulders rubbing gently. “Neither”, he mumbled obviously preoccupied with assuring himself that Tony was fine but he continued: “I drove to the side and stopped the car when you started having that nightmare. We’re almost there though. Just a few more minutes until you can sleep in an actual bed.”

“I doubt that I’d call anything you are referring to right now a bed.” Tony yawned and Steve gave him a relieved smile.

“You’ll be fine.” 

Tony watched him for several seconds and when Steve finally let go of him Tony grasped one of his wrists instinctively. “Steve?” He sighed. “Why are you doing this? Because Bruce and Nat have this crazy set up plan? Hell, I don’t even know where that came from.” Steve clenched his jaw. Tony stroked the back of his hand with his thumb. “Last time I checked you were mad at me and now this. What did Nat say to you?”

Steve shook his head. “That I’m an idiot. And she’s right.” He tore his gaze from Tony’s face and looked at the road. “I overreacted.” He smiled softly. “I do that a lot when it comes to you. You really drive me crazy, Stark. But I kinda learned to appreciate it over the years. That’s why I want this post-Ultron thing to end.” He paused for several seconds, looked back at Tony and gulped. “You know I’ve searched for Bucky for years…”

“You will find him someday.” Tony interrupted.

“He doesn't want to be found and I have accepted that. Maybe someday he will. But that’s not what I wanted to say. Cause this is about you…” His hand slipped into Tony’s. “…and me.” He gave his hand a small tug. “What I wanted to say is: I have lost so many people, Tony. I don't want to lose anyone else.”

“Why do you care so much about me?”

“I told you: I’ve grown fond of you. You know? Like someone who found a really troublesome stray cat.” He laughed for real now and Tony’s lips twitched upwards as well.

“You really are an idiot, Rogers. I’m not a stray. I’m a premium breed! You could never afford me.”

“And yet, here you are.” Steve smiled at him again and for a short moment Tony forgot how to breathe and he gulped several times before he found his voice again.

“I…um…Do you want me to drive?”

Steve shook his head. “No. Just sleep a little more. You’d be having a bitch about my car anyway.” He finally let go of Tony’s hand and Tony nearly reached after it, his fingers twitching dangerously. But Steve was already starting the car humming some lost tune and Tony was left with staring at his profile again.

Steve was attractive. Beautiful. But Tony had always known that. Steve had always been able to make his heart stutter, but that was due to decades of hero worship, wasn't it? And they were friends now so it was completely normal for Tony to feel comfortable with Steve around. Granted, they were pretty touchy feely. Somehow they had just fallen into it. After Pepper had left Tony had been craving bodily contact more than anything. It had started with just small casual touches but since Steve didn't object but encourage them they had evolved to something more. Tony figured that maybe Steve had been just as hungry for physical reassurance that someone cared for him after the whole Bucky-thing. And it was nice. Really. But nothing more than friendly gestures.  
Maybe he enjoyed them a little too much. Maybe. But who could blame him? Who wouldn't enjoy it if Captain America cuddled with them?  
He released a breath he didn't know he had been holding.

They came to a halt and Tony was pulled back into reality.

“Here we are!” Steve exclaimed. Tony sat up and looked around. Steve had parked the car right in front of a small family house in the middle of a broad street with nothing but more small houses and no hotel whatsoever. This couldn't be the place. Tony opened his mouth to voice his concern when he discovered a small sign: Bed ’n’ Breakfast

“You’ve got to be kidding me… No. No way in hell, Rogers! You never said anything about a… a…” He searched for a fitting insult shaking his head continuously.

“Come on. What’s the last thing the famous Tony Stark would do? That’s right! Stay in a place like this - it’s the perfect cover.” Steve chuckled.

“It’s not an option! No!” He shivered a little. “I don’t even want to think about what the beds must look like…”

“The bed.”

Tony’s brain came to a halt. “The bed… One?”

“The cheapest option.”

“Be clear with me, Cap. We’re talking a single bed? Singular? You and me sharing a bed?” Suddenly this seemed like a very bad idea. “This was Natasha’s idea, wasn’t it?” He groaned. “Cap, this is only their stupid set up plan! Come on! There must be a decent hotel here somewhere. I’ll pay!”

He didn't even realize that Steve was trying to talk to him until Steve grabbed his shoulders again. “Tony!”

“Yes?”

“Don’t. Freak. Out.”

Tony took a deep breath. “You booked a four-day-vacation in the middle of nowhere… in some small and probably dirty bed ’n’ breakfast place with only one bed and you expect me not to freak out?! We drove here in a fucking trashcan!”

Steve just shrugged. “That’s how normal people go on a vacation.”

“We’re not normal, Steve!”

“Is it really that horrible to share a bed with me? I can sleep on the floor if it’s that unbearable.”

“Oh, don’t be dramatic! Of course it’s not that bad!”

“So, what’s your problem then?”

Three nights with Steve in a tiny bed. The two of them pressed up against each other. It had happened before on the couch of the common living room after long movie marathons, but it wasn’t the same. They hadn't been alone and Tony hadn't been confused by some stupid comment.  
The image of waking up next to Steve popped into his head. The morning sun would create a wonderful halo in his blond hair. Tony had actually never seen Steve’s bedhead. Steve was up way too early even after falling asleep on couches, but he imagined it to be magnificent.  
“You drool.” Tony said finally.

“I do not and you know that.” 

“Well, you’re a cuddler.”

“Yes and you like that actually.” The corners of Steve’s mouth twitched up and Tony wasn’t sure if he could deal with that cocky smile that developed right there on Cap’s face. “It’s just a bed, Tony.”

Yeah and it would be one hell of a confusing and dangerous vacation and he didn't even realize how incredibly messed up his feelings were until Bruce pointed it out. No. His feelings were totally fine. He was just freaking out because Bruce had made that stupid comment and he really needed to get laid in the near future. Steve was a beautiful young/very old man. Of course his body would get confused at that. Who wouldn't want to sleep with Captain America?  
And they were friends. Just two adults being friends… and totally able to share a bed. This was no biggy, right?  
Ugh… this would be awful.

“Okay.” Tony sighed. “Okay to that stupid vacation of yours.”

Steve smiled at that and it was way too sincere and happy. “Thank you.”  
Tony’s heart dropped into his stomach or something. 

“Let’s check in.”

He wouldn't survive this. Maybe he could still take it back?

But Steve was already leaving the car and after a few seconds of hesitation Tony followed him leaving his blanket behind. He realized he was wearing sweat pants and a band shirt and that his hair was probably a mess too. Then again, this wasn't even a hotel. He didn't have to impress anyone.

He came to a halt right behind Steve when Steve rang the bell. A tall woman in her 40’s opened the door in a matter of split seconds. She eyed the two of them with neutral eyes. “Mr. Rogers plus one?”

Steve nodded offering her a hand. “Yes ma’am, that would be us.” She took his hand. “We’re later than expected. My apologies” 

She smiled so coldly Tony thought she didn't even try to conceal her anger. “Oh, that’s fine. Come in.” Stepping to the side she gave way for them to enter.

Tony sighed quietly. The house looked like one of those catalogue houses, a lot of plastic and no effort at all to make it look like a home. Tony buried his hands in the pockets of his pants and followed Steve inside.  
The woman led them upstairs. Her whole posture was way too stiff like she was trying to appear even taller than she was. She pointed towards a closed door. 

“This is your room.” She handed Steve a key. “Breakfast is from eight to ten. After that I will be at work. My mother will be here. Please do not bother her. People like you can be rather upsetting to her.” Tony’s eyebrow twitched and he saw Steve’s jaw clench in the corner of his eyes. Oh jolly. She continued talking. “And please remember that there are other people living in this house. We would appreciate it if you could keep quiet at night.”

Okay, that was enough. Tony smiled. “Don’t worry. You’ll be informed when we decide to have sex. Do you want me to come over and knock on your door so you can flee to some homo-free place or do you want a printed request?”

She stared him right into the eyes and returned his smile. “Excuse me if I upset you. I merely wanted to point out that we appreciate quiet guests. What you do in the room is entirely up to you.”

First day of the vacation and he had already managed to make another enemy. He congratulated himself.

Steve was hiding a small smile behind his hand and quickly composed himself. He was enjoying this. “We will keep that in mind, Mrs.…?”

“Miller.”

“Mrs. Miller…” He gave Tony a small wink over his shoulder. “We will make sure that anything we will do in that guest room of yours will not wake anyone up. But I’d like to point out that we are paying for that room and for the time being, it’s ours. And I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t make comments like these for the rest of our stay or we might be forced to leave.”

She gave the two of them a look. “Whatever.” A huff and she left, her posture even stiffer than before.

Tony groaned. “I hate people like her.”

Steve unlocked the door. “There are always people like her and much much worse.”

“Must have been hell back in the 40’s.”

“Well… yes.” Steve’s voice was low and almost fragile and Tony knew there was more to it. He considered asking but figured Steve would tell him when he felt like it. This was nothing he could force out of him. 

They entered the room and looked around. 

“At least it looks clean.” Tony commented. “And hey it’s a king-sized bed for our nightly activities.”

“You mean the cuddling you are so afraid of all of a sudden?”

“Oh, shut up and get the bags!”

“Bossy.”

“Yeah? You've been a cocky little shit for the whole day! I think I get to be a little bossy right now.”

Steve saluted but broke out in a chuckle. “Sir, yes, sir!”

Tony smiled in return. “That’s strangely satisfying…”

Steve grinned and left. Tony sat down on the edge of the bed bobbing up and down to test the springs. Yeah, it would probably work. He dropped down unto the sheets and closed his eyes.  
He needed a plan for these four days. Something along the lines of resisting-Captain-America—and-keeping-his-hands-to-himself otherwise he would destroy a lot more than just their little trip. But he could do it. Just a few simple steps and everything would be okay.  
Step one was easy: No unnecessary body contact.

He heard Steve return and sighed.  
Steve paused, then slowly walked up to him and settled between his thighs. Well…  
Tony didn’t move. The weight on the mattress shifted a little and suddenly there was a hand on his forehead checking his temperature.  
Okay, maybe step one was more difficult than he thought but only because Steve didn't seem to have a concept of personal space.  
Tony opened his eyes and saw that Steve had bowed down towards him. His face was only mere inches away from his and Tony could feel his breath on his skin. Steve’s free hand was propped up right next to Tony’s head. His eyes scanned Tony’s face and settled for his lips. But Tony was probably imagining things. That moment he wanted nothing more than to burry his fingers in Steve’s blond hair, pull him down and taste those righteous lips and never let go.

Fuck, Bruce was right. Fuck. Fuck. There was no way he would survive four days at this rate!  
Before he could do anything stupid he closed his eyes again.

“Are you okay?” Now Steve sounded really worried. Tony nodded in response. ”You must be hungry. What do you wanna eat?”

“A cheeseburger.” Tony responded as faintly as he could. He was better off playing the part.

“Not happening.” Steve grabbed one of Tony’s hands straightening up and pulling him on his feet in one swift motion and Tony had to steady himself against Steve’s chest. “Let’s just find a diner and get today’s special.”

Tony rolled his eyes but didn’t object. He fished his StarkPad from the gym-bag Steve had packed for him opening his latest projects and trying to distract himself from the way Steve’s shirt was clinging to his torso. Of course Tony had seen him in less but right now he really didn't need a reminder of how perfect his physique was.  
He swiped a few times over the tablet. “You comin’?” 

Steve sighed. “You’re unbelievable. How did you even sneak that in?”

“Blankets, Capsicle, you can hide a lot underneath ‘em.”

“Fair enough. Let’s get something to eat.”

They decided to take the car. It was already dark outside and Tony was really not in the mood for exploration.  
They passed the local Burger King several times before they found a diner.  
By the time they exited the car Tony was whining like a grumpy teenager on a family vacation.

“Going for burgers would have been so much easier,” he sighed already engrossed in his next project: a new fabric for Steve’s suit. It had been long since he had created anything for him particularly.

“Let’s just see, what they have on the menu.” Steve said steering Tony into the diner with a hand on either shoulder of him.

“I’m perfectly capable of walking by myself, Rogers.”

“I doubt that. Not with your eyes glued to a screen and the ground is very uneven over here.”

“Any excuse to touch me…” Tony murmured absently. There was a problem with the stability of the fabric when it was in a warmer environment. He had to change that somehow.

“Well, I could just carry you.”  
Tony blinked and almost stopped dead. Steve really could do that. He was strong enough. That was… so hot. And nothing he should be thinking about right now. Completely inappropriate!

“No!” He spun around. “Don’t even try that, Rogers!”

Steve raised his hands in surrender. “Understood.” But there was a big smile on his face. Tony wondered if he knew. He wouldn't be that calm if he knew, would he?

They entered the diner and ordered food and coffee. It didn’t take long until both of it arrived. The waitress eyed them with much interest, probably their more than casual get-up or just Steve’s looks. Tony didn't give it much thought.

“So Cap… what’s the plan for the next three days?” he took a sip from his coffee and poked around in his turkey special before trying a forkful.

“I thought about exploring the area. The internet said there are some pretty nice waterfalls here and aside from that…you know, relax.”

“You want to go hiking? With me? Did you hurt your head in that battle against the lizard?” The first bite had actually sparked Tony’s appetite and now he was devouring the special and even thinking of asking for seconds.

Steve watched him for the most part and smiled. “Any other ideas?”

“Dunno… how about staying in bed? I can work on your new costume and you can do pushups or somethin’.”

“Doesn’t really sound like vacation to me.” Steve finally attended to his own food.

“And running around the woods for no reason does? Hell no.” 

Steve’s shoulders sunk a little, the movement was small, but it didn't escape Tony’s eyes. He looked down at his plate. “You know I’m doing all of this for you so maybe you could try to cooperate a little.”

“Don’t try to guilt-trip me, Cap.” Tony pointed his fork towards Steve his resolve already crumbling. And when Steve stayed silent for several seconds he gave in. “Okay, okay. One day in the woods with you.”

The corners of Steve’s mouth twitched upwards immediately and Tony groaned.

“No acting talent, my ass. You little shit!” He threw his napkin at Steve but it didn't reach the other side of the table and glided down between the two of them.

“Not a 5-year-old, huh?”, Steve laughed.

“Oh shut up!”

“Eat up, Anthony, it’s almost your bed time.”

“Not sleepy.” Tony lied and finished his meal watching Steve practically inhaling his.  
He pulled a few dollars out of his pocket. Tony emptied his coffee and made no attempt to stand up. “And now? Beers?”

Steve immediately shook his head. “Please don’t. You just sobered up and your body is still recovering. Let’s just go to bed, okay?”

Tony nodded at that.

They drove back in silence. Tony’s little nod towards alcohol had ruined the atmosphere. Steve’s posture was tense all over again.

“Sorry.” He said when they entered their small room.

“About what?”

“The alcohol thing. Listen, I got it. Not funny. I promise I won’t drink for at least as long as this trip lasts.” 

“That’s just four days, Tony…”

“Not if we get lost in those woods.” Tony kicked off his shoes and fell unto the bed. Steve chuckled lightly and pulled his shirt over his head. Tony watched him lazily. Perfect muscles flexed even with Steve’s slightest movements. He sat down on the edge of the bed and untied his shoes, the shadows on his back a dancing masterpiece. Steve wasn't proud of his body because he believed it was something he hadn’t achieved all by himself and sometimes Tony saw remnants of what pre-serum Steve must have been like in the way he moved or handled himself. But it was something he appreciated about him.  
 Tony could watch him for days, which was not creepy at all. Ugh. Was he turning into one of those weird sugar daddies who gathered the young and beautiful around themselves just to stare at them? No, not happening!

The mattress bend under Steve’s weight when he lay down next to Tony. He could feel the heat of his body. It felt unbelievably comfortable.  
Tony actually liked sleeping next to someone. He just didn't trust most people, that was all. Pepper moving in with him had been such a refreshing change in his life and was now only adding to the solitude he felt now when he woke up in an empty bed each morning.  
So yeah, this was nice.

“This is weird.” Tony chuckled and turned towards Steve one arm tugged under his head.

Steve smiled. “Is it?”

“No not really. Much like on movie night actually, just a little bit more…”

“Intimate?”

Tony gulped. “That’s not the word I would use… but yes.”

Steve smiled at him for what felt like an eternity before he finally turned around and tapped the light switch. “Goodnight, Tony.”

Tony blinked a few times until his eyes had adjusted to the darkness. Steve was still laying there, his back turned towards him.

Even after sleeping for the whole drive up to Boonville Tony felt the fatigue in his bones. After all he had abused his body for a week. It felt like he was filled with bricks, the weight pulling him deeper into the sheets. He repositioned himself his fingertips brushing over Steve’s back and he quickly jolted his hand back. But apparently not quickly enough, because he felt the small shiver going through Steve.  
Tony chuckled. This was ridiculous. 

“What happens if we end up spooning in the morning?”

Steve didn't turn around. “Are you worried it might happen or do you simply want to spoon and being as emotionally awkward as you are, you don’t know how to ask?”

“Hold it, Cap! Don’t go around and read stuff into the things people say!”

Steve snorted. “That happens to people who spent too much time with you.” He gave him a look over his shoulder before one of his arms came around and grabbed for Tony’s wrist and pulled it around himself. “Permission to touch granted. Cuddle all you want, Tony.”

Tony didn't have to be told twice. He pulled Steve close and rested his forehead between his shoulder blades. It wasn't like he knew every inch of Steve’s body but the touch felt familiar and Steve’s breath was steady and soothing and his heartbeat resounded in Tony’s head like a mantra. 

Tony knew that he would sleep through the whole night like this.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really stupid fluff~

A famous man once said: _Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise._  
Well, Tony was already wealthy and would probably keep swimming in money for the rest of his life, even if he tried not to.  
Wise? Well, nobody would argue that he was intelligent and infantile curiosity was essential in his line of work. So he was about as wise as he could get.  
As for healthy… He was on some kind of healing journey with Steve actively exploring the woods and stuff! But how would he be able to last even an hour hiking to some unknown place if some stupid fucking birds decided to keep chirping at a volume Tony didn't even know they were capable of?! Ah, the glory that was the countryside.  
It was way too bright for his comfort.  
He groaned and tried to turn away from the window at least when the arms around his waist tightened and kept him in place. Something brushed against his neck. Tony’s breath caught. He was suddenly very awake and very aware of all the Steve Rogers around him and the enthusiastic early-morning-hard-on between his legs.  
Great.

There was no use trying to escape Steve’s death grip, so he let himself be pulled even closer. Apparently he wasn’t the only one with a cock too eager for its own good.  
A round of applause for the wonders of the human body!

Steve nuzzled his neck again and Tony shivered. This wouldn't make the whole situation any easier! 

“Morning…” Steve breathed shifting a little. His voice was still thick with sleep and he made no attempt to let go. When Tony turned around in his arms he didn't move and ended up smiling against Tony’s forehead.

“Cap?”, Tony whispered and waited until Steve nodded softly. His hint of a stubble tickled on Tony’s skin and he wondered what Steve would look like with a fully grown beard. Tony’s fingers drummed a small rhythm on Steve’s chest and another shiver ran down his spine when Steve’s hands started moving up and down his back. 

What were they doing here? This was way too sexual. Then again, they were both half hard and things like this simply happened. No biggy.  
Except this was Steve. Steve didn’t do heat of the moment.

Tony looked up. He wanted to say something just to break the moment, but before his mind could form any coherent sentence, Steve’s lips brushed his and suddenly the only thing he was able to do was bury his fingers in Steve’s short hair and pull him closer, so much closer.  
The kiss was hungry and clumsy, teeth clattering against each other and biting and sucking and it was exactly what Tony needed right now. It didn’t take long before Steve rolled them over, Tony sitting on him straddling his thighs. But they didn't lose contact once and Tony rolled his hips making Steve moan into his mouth. It was perfect and just the way Tony had imagined it. Better.  
Steve’s hands slid under Tony’s shirt, the touch light but giving him goose bumps and he inhaled sharply and suddenly a small laugh escaped his mouth.  
“Jesus, Rogers…”  
Once he started he couldn’t stop, his whole body shaking with laughter and he held his stomach slowly buckling sideways until he hit the sheets. “This was your plan all along, wasn’t it?” 

Steve joined in. So that was a yes. 

They laughed for what felt like an eternity and when the quivering finally stopped he let out a relieved sigh.

“You know, people imagine you to be… like that angelic innocent person! Virgin Mary kinda thing… Virgin Steve! Hell, I imagined you to be…” He gestured around. “…boy scouty? But that? That was like some kind of teenage fantasy!”

“That sounds really wrong, Tony.”  
 “Shut up! We had a lot o’ pictures of you and you’re hot, okay?” He laughed again falling on his back and staring at the ceiling. “…what are we doing here?”

“I believe you people nowadays still call it kissing.”

Tony gave him a look. “You know what I mean.”

“Don’t make it a big deal.”

“Am not.”

“Yes, you are.”

Tony groaned. “This is such a bad idea and the worst possible timing ever…”

“There is no good timing when it comes to us.”

Tony sighed again. “That’s exactly the point. Don’t get me wrong… I would love for you to be happy and…stuff. But I… you know I’m bad at this and you…” Now he really struggled for words. Steve meant too much to him to fuck their relationship up too and he fucked up basically everything. “…I need you. As a person. As a part of my life. Because I’m a mess and you ground me and I wouldn't want to miss that.” He didn’t dare look at Steve. The confession was enough to make him feel anxious.

He felt Steve shift and heard him sigh. “It’s always baby steps with you, huh?”

Tony frowned. “Don’t make it sound like I’m some kind of prude. People call me a playboy for a reason. But it’s so much easier when it’s strangers you’re fucking and not your best friend next to Rhodey who also happens to be the leader of your team and lives with you. So basically someone you actually like. Excuse me for being a responsible adult.”

Steve cleared his throat. “Okay, okay, listen… Don’t overthink this.” Suddenly he was inside Tony’s field of vision and bowing down to him stopping only an inch away from Tony’s lips. “Do you want this?”

“Hell yes.” He gulped. “But that’s my dick speaking.”

“So you don’t?” Steve came even closer brushing little kisses on Tony’s jaw and neck. “Because God… I want you so much…”

“Don’t play dirty, Steve… it doesn’t suit you.” 

Steve nipped at the sensitive skin right underneath Tony’s jaw making him gulp. “Yes or no?” 

“Yes.” Tony admitted finally. “Yes, I want this. Goddammit…”

“Let’s try it then. Just for the length of the vacation. If it doesn't work we’ll drop it. Simple as that. No strings attached.”

Tony grimaced at the word. “No… strings attached.” Another sigh. “Still a bad idea though.”

“Try to see the positive sides. I mean even if it doesn’t work out we would still know each other’s bodies. That can only be beneficial in the field.”

Tony gaped. “Admit it. You have watched that Avengers-porn!”

“I did my research” Steve chuckled and kissed him.

“I have corrupted you already…”, Tony responded against his lips, hands already moving up towards Steve’s shoulders and cursing the fact that it felt so natural.  
He didn't hesitate though when he felt Steve’s tongue against his bottom lip and opened up for him, finally tasting Steve for real.

That was the moment someone knocked on the door. Steve froze, his face flushing red like a ripe tomato. There it was, his 40’s uptightness. Tony would have been sad if it had vanished completely. He chuckled and ran his fingers over the short hair on Steve’s neck.

“I don’t want to disturb you young men, but I really wanted to make sure you got breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day. You shouldn’t skip it.” The voice of an elderly woman fought its way through the closed door.

Tony blinked at Steve and mouthed. _The mother?_ Steve understood and nodded. He braced himself on either side of Tony. “Yes ma’am. Just give us a moment. We’ll be downstairs in a minute. We’re incredibly sorry…” He sounded so apologetic and embarrassed. It was ridiculous and perfect.

The woman laughed. “No, no. Take your time. I just wanted to see whether you are awake or not but I guess there was no need for that. Do you have any special requests for your breakfast?”

“Coffee!” Tony exclaimed and Steve gave him a look. “…please?”

“Coffee won’t be a problem, dearie!” She was still laughing. “See you in a bit!” Tony listened as she dragged her feet to the staircase and slowly descended.

“I hope we didn’t make her uncomfortable…” Steve smiled down at him.

“Uncomfortable? She interrupted us! We’re guests…customers! If anyone should be uncomfortable it’s us! What happened to the customer is king?”

“She’s an old lady, Tony.”

Tony groaned. “Whatever!” 

One corner of Steve’s mouth twitched up. “Want to be the first to take a shower?”

“No, go ahead…” 

Steve gave him one last kiss before standing up and disappearing into their bathroom.

Tony kept lying on the bed, one hand on his own chest feeling his pulse race beneath his fingertips. 

So… that happened.  
He couldn't undo anything now. The damage was done. And he really wanted to feel giddy about the fact that Captain America wanted to get into his pants but this was Pepper all over again and it was likely to end to same way and he wouldn't be able to deal with it and with what it would do to the team. And there were so many things standing between them… things Tony didn’t tell him.

He gulped. This was a mistake, maybe even one of the biggest he had ever made. Why wasn’t there a saying like: _Don't bed your heroes! Especially not if you’re Tony Stark ‘cause you will break their hearts and they will hate you and stop being your friends and never talk to you again! Ever!_  
Okay that would be a stupid saying, but he really needed advice right now. He basically knew what anyone in their right mind would say… Except Bruce and Natasha apparently but they certainly weren’t in their right minds. And he was sure Bruce only wanted him to make up and not make out…

“Tony?” 

He snapped back into reality, his gaze flickering to Steve in a matter of split seconds. Steve was already shaven and dressed. 

“Yes?”

Steve smiled. “Stop overthinking…”

“Who’s overthinking anything?” Tony practically jumped to his feet and made for the bathroom. “I was just waiting.” He left the door open and undressed. “Just a few questions, Cap?”

“Shoot.” Judging by the sounds Steve was drying his hair with a towel.

“Since when are you interested in men?” He stripped out of his sporty outfit and rushed into the shower.

“1935. Henry Banks. He had those green eyes? Anyway… I never told him. I was way too afraid at that time.”

Tony gulped. Spot on response. “And no strings? You never seemed like the kinda guy…” He turned the water on and stepped under the spray. Of course it was nowhere near as perfect as back at home but the hot water calmed his body, which still wasn't over the make out session.

“I was in the army, Tony and it was the war. That’s practically the definition of _no strings_. I mean, we never knew what would happen the next day. We took every chance we could get.” He chuckled.

Ah well yes. Tony actually had never thought about that.  
“Is that so? You behaved like the most judgmental asshole when you met me.” Tony started washing his hair, calloused fingers massaging his skull trying to knead away his worries. 

“And see where that got me.”

“Oh screw you!” He finished up, left the shower and quickly wrapped a towel around his frame. He swiped one hand over the fogged mirror and took a look at himself. The stubble on his face was a sad comparison to his usual goatee, but at least he felt a little more like himself with some facial hair. “Do I have decent clothes with me?”

“You have hiking clothes with you.” Steve sounded occupied.

Tony groaned and left the bathroom. Steve threw a pair of jeans and a t-shirt at him. Tony caught both. “So I don’t get to wear underwear?” He should have anticipated the boxer briefs flying towards his face.

“Jesus…” He said finally getting dressed. “Please remind me to never let you be in charge of my wardrobe again.”

Steve silently presented him with a brand new pair of hiking boots in an ugly brownish color.

“No.” Tony responded shaking his head vehemently. “Where did you even find these?”

“JARVIS helps me every now and then.”

Tony groaned again. “And remind me to trash this new shiny android body of his.” He took the shoes from Steve’s hands, slipping into them and towel drying his hair and stowing his StarkPhone in one of his pockets. “That coffee downstairs better be good…”

Steve smiled and kissed one of Tony’s temples. Okay it was definitely a thing now. “Let’s find out.” 

Steve opened the door, a backpack in his hand, and the smell of bacon, eggs and coffee immediately filled the air.  
They left their room, Tony now more than motivated to find the kitchen or wherever the food was.  
There was a small dining room at the far end of the ground floor. The table was filled with pancakes, bacon, eggs, muffins and basically everything Tony could wish for. He sat down grabbing a cup and filling it with fresh, hot coffee, inhaling the rich scent.

“I might be in paradise. You go ahead hiking or whatever. Me? I stay here.” Tony said and let out an obscene moan. Steve sat down opposite of him filling his own cup with coffee and shaking his head slightly.

“My, aren't you a gorgeous sight.” Tony recognized the voice and turned towards the door to see the old woman enter. Her back was hunched and her hair-do was way too big for her head but her smile told the story of the adventurous and beautiful young woman she must have been once.

He chuckled and nodded towards Steve. “He’s quite somethin’ isn’t he?”

“Oh, I’m talking about you, dearie.” She set a few waffles on the table and turned towards Steve. “You’re quite the eyeful too but I always had a thing for the devious types. I’m sure you know what I mean.”  
Steve nodded a smile on his lips.

“Devious?” Tony raised his eyebrows. “There is nothing devious about me. I’m an honest man. An open book some would say. I always speak my mind.”

“Oh yes, that you do. Always. Even if it doesn't concern you.” Steve rolled his eyes.

“Speaking of which!” Tony turned towards the woman eying her intensely. “You don’t seem very appalled even though you kinda interrupted us earlier and you obviously got what was going on.”

“Oh, of course would have been hard not to.” She nodded and refilled Tony’s already empty cup. “But why would I be appalled?”

Steve cleared his throat. “Actually your daughter mentioned something.”

“Don’t listen to her. She dramatizes everything.” She lowered her voice to a whisper as if there was someone eavesdropping. “I think she’s bored.”

Tony snorted. “Can’t blame her to be honest. This place is ridiculous.”

“…-ly nice. A very nice place. That’s what he wanted to say and thank you, Ma’am, for your hospitality.” 

“Even though it’s your duty since we’re paying for that breakfast and all.” Tony took another sip from his coffee.

“Tony!” Oh oh… Captain America voice. Tony flinched a little.

“The coffee is nice though…”

The old lady laughed petting Steve’s shoulder. “You better be careful, dearie or I´m snatching him from you. I’d tame him and his snappy mouth.”

Tony finally grabbed a muffin and sniffed it. “Many have tried but none succeeded.” He let himself in for a kick under the table and a piercing stare.

“Domestic violence? You’re trying to woo me! That’s not the way, baby!” Another kick.

“I’m Steve. He’s Tony. What’s your name, Mrs…?”

The woman smiled softly. “Just call me Lisbeth.” Steve returned the smile eagerly.  
Wohoo! Old people meet-up! Tony munched his muffin.

“So what are you doing here exactly?” Lisbeth asked and sat down after Steve had pulled out a chair for her. Ugh…

“Nothing special. Just a small hiking trip.” Steve helped himself to a big stack of pancakes. “The typical actually: Trying to escape the troubles of the big city life.”

“Hiking? Oh there are a few beautiful waterfalls around here!”

Tony made a face. “Yay! Waterfalls!” Ugh ugh…

“We’ll have a look at them. Thank you ma’am.” Another dashing smile from Mr. Perfect.

“I doubt you’ll get far with him.”

“Oh yes, so do I.” Steve grinned at him.

Lisbeth and Steve broke out in laughter. That was it. Tony was trapped in some kind of cheap Golden Girls nightmare, one without the funny parts.

“I leave the two of you alone for now.” Lisbeth gave him one last smile. Tony gave her an unenthusiastic wave and she left. Slowly. Very slowly.  
Being old sucked. He was suddenly very happy about his lifestyle. He doubted he’d ever reach an old age the way he treated his body.  
Was that a healthy thought? Ah fuck it! Like he cared…

He turned towards Steve, who was busy with systematically clearing the table. “We could still drive to the next town and… dunno… do something fun?” He grabbed another muffin.

“No, I want you to appreciate nature.”

“I appreciate nature! Without nature there wouldn't be atoms and elements and energy… and me! I wouldn't want that! I just don’t appreciate pointless roaming.”

Steve raised his brows and snorted. “You’re right. Hiking really is a bad idea. You’d probably hit the wall after about 2 miles anyway.”

Tony frowned. “That’s not true. I’m in good shape and you know that.”

“Are you? That’s actually new to me.” He smirked. “I mean all you do all day is either hiding in that workshop of yours or sitting on the couches and I don’t even know how manage to stay the head of R&D at your company.”

“Well, I do a lot of the research and development at home? Really, that’s not the point here! You spar and train with me, Rogers.”

“Yes, but I’m always going easy on you. No. You’re right. A hike would be too much for you.”

Tony grunted. “Okay okay! I’m coming with you to those stupid waterfalls! Happy now?!”

“In fact I am.” Steve smiled sweetly.

“Sometimes I want to punch you in your perfect teeth.”

The smile on Steve’s face didn't falter for even a split second and he fished two lunch boxes from the backpack filling them with different things from the table. Tony nodded at the muffins and snatched a last one for his way and got up. “And now?”

“I actually looked up a few routes near the mountain and there are lot of lakes here. I think we’ll get to see a lot. Let’s take to car to the start of the route.”

“You mean the abomination.”

Steve chuckled. “Let’s go.”  
They said goodbye to Lisbeth, who made sure to mention a few especially romantic spots to them and drove over to what Tony promptly dubbed _The Green Gate To Hell_.

He eyed the trees in front of him with visible reluctance.  
Steve locked the car strapping the backpack on and joined him finally.  
“Ready?”

“Ready for an epic quest for pointlessness.”

And so it began: An adventure of trees… trees… and oh! Look! More trees.  
Tony did his best to point out everything green-, bird- or squirrel-looking. At first Steve seemed entertained but after an hour Tony definitely saw regret in his eyes. Mission accomplished.  
Afterwards Tony fell silent on his own, scrolling around on his StarkPhone but after stumbling over five roots in a matter of ten minutes he gave up and actually dared to look around. It was unbelievably quiet except for a few chirping birds and the sound of splashing water in the distance.  
The trees towered over them like fortresses and all of a sudden Tony felt small and trivial. Like just another cogwheel doing its part in the big and far to complex system that was nature. The universe. Old, beautiful and scary. Nothing he could build would ever even come close to it.  
He gulped.

“You okay?”

Tony nodded. “I’m just feeling deep respect for mother nature.” He chuckled. “It’s just so quiet! Like we’re the only people here!”

“True. It’s quite the experience, right?”

“Yeah… Have you ever had sex in a forest?” 

Steve frowned at him. “You can’t be serious...”

“That’d be an experience. I mean, there’s literally no one here.”

“It’s completely inconvenient. There’s no comfortable place and think about the conifers, Tony. Their leaves get everywhere. And don’t get me started on the insects.”

Tony chuckled again. “Sounds like you’re quite the expert.”

“Yes, because I had to sleep in forests for weeks. Believe me, my dirty thoughts got reduced to a minimum.”

Tony shrugged. “But I like that actually, sex talk with you. Cause you know, Bruce always gets frustrated as soon as I mention sex, I don’t even want to touch that topic with Clint - weirdness assured. Thor goes in waaaaay too much detail, so I usually talk to Nat.”

“Really?” Steve laughed. 

“Yeah, we meet over the liquor of choice and start gossiping.”

“At some ungodly hour?”

Tony nodded.

“Sounds like the two of you.”

Tony grinned. “I even know about that little kiss in the mall. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“In how far is that relevant to you?”, Steve groaned.

“It isn’t. I’m just curious. Especially since you now hold the record for kissing the most teammates.” He buried his hands in the pockets of his jeans and grinned.

“No, I’m pretty sure, Thor holds that one.”

“True. Anyways! I should totally bring you to our next gossip session. It will be great, Cap. You’ll tell us about the 40s and the war and we’ll tell you about Clint’s attempt at flirting with the receptionist downstairs. It’s hilarious. You’ll love it.”

Steve snorted. “Sounds like I really have to come.”

They reached a big lake and stopped. The shore was studded with small rocks and scrubs. Steve made for one of the bigger rocks which was embedded deep in the ground and offered a smooth surface. He dug through the backpack until he found the lunch boxes. Tony followed him. “What’s all the stuff in there anyway?”

“Just necessities in case something happens. A first-aid box… water… a map and…” He dug on and finally fished out a blanket. He spread it over the ground so they could sit.

“Always the gentleman…” Tony remarked.

Steve smiled and sat down. “Since you obviously don’t want to play that part…?” He patted the empty spot next to him. Tony complied.

The water in front of them lay still as if to demonstrate how peaceful this place was. Tony closed his eyes and took a deep breath. This had been a good idea. He sure as hell wouldn't tell Steve or anyone else, but at least he was able to acknowledge it to himself.  
He let himself fall to the side and against Steve’s shoulder. An arm came up und gently pulled him closer.

“Don’t fall asleep halfway through the route.”

Tony grinned. “Didn’t you offer to carry me yesterday?”

Steve snorted. “Yes, I did.”

“Then you better show me what you’re capable of, soldier!”

“Okay.” Steve stood and picked him up in one swift motion and Tony clung to him in surprise.

“What the fuck?!”

Steve smirked in response and slowly carried him towards. the. water.

“Oh no! You don’t!” Tony protested and tried to free himself.

“Oh yes, I do!” Steve laughed and pulled his arms back, ready for a throw. But Tony had sparred with him often enough to remember at least a few things.  
If he was going down, he sure as hell wasn't going alone. He blocked Steve’s move, turning the two of them into a tangle of limbs before they gracefully flopped into the water.  
They blinked at each other before they burst into laughter.

“You are so stupid.” Tony choked out and rolled on top of Steve, a hand on either side of his face and he bowed down until their lips met.  
Steve smiled against his mouth, pulled him closer and eagerly kissed him back.  
They rolled around in the shallow water stirring up the mud with all their grabbing and pulling and their desperation to get even more of each other.

But suddenly Steve broke away from him and pushed them up until they were sitting.

Tony blinked. “What’s wrong?” He looked around. “Oh fuck! It’s the water, isn’t it? Fuck! Sorry. I-I didn’t think about this!”

Steve shook him gently. “No! I’m okay. I don’t get triggered that easily. This isn’t the Arctic. Believe me, every winter is far worse than making out with you in a lake.” He laughed at that.

Tony sighed in relief. “O-okay…so, why?”

“You’ll catch a cold.”

“I… what?!” Tony laughed again and Steve had to steady him so he wouldn’t fall over and back into the water. “We’re so special, Cap!” He kept laughing until Steve joined him. “So we’re going back, or what? I wouldn't want to miss that chance to take that shower with me, if I were you.” Tony teased.

Steve smiled and helped him up. Both of them sloshed back to the shore and Steve started packing their things, when Tony’s StarkPhone vibrated.  
Thank fuck, he had made the last two generations waterproof.  
He fished it out of his pocket and answered the call.

“Darling! You shouldn't be able to reach me right now. I’m still on Code DELTA and actually on vacation. So why did JARVIS patch you through? No offence by the way, I love you!”

“Tony, I’ve tried to reach you for four days!” Rhodey's voice was grim. “JARVIS patched me through because the matter has gotten worse and I need you in D.C. like right now!”

Tony froze. He looked at Steve. He must have picked up everything. His super-hearing never missed anything.

Tony pinched his nose. A day. A single day. That was all he got. Dear Lord! Was this really what his life had come to?

“Okay, Rhodey… Why don’t we start at the beginning? What are you talking about, buddy?”

Rhodey cleared his throat. “You know that the capital has descended into chaos since the fall of SHIELD. And since you guys decided to go private a lot of people are on your back. Well, Ultron happened and you know the general drill, Tony. But then you had to hold that stupid press conference.” Tony heard him gulp. “They had been waiting for a mistake on your part. Just a single moment of weakness. And you gave it to them… on a silver platter!”

Tony shook his head. “I… I don’t understand. I didn't admit to any connection to Ultron.”

“Well you gave them a green light! Because now people are doubting the Avengers.”

“So? What's the worst they can do?”

“Declare you vigilantes. They have a whole campaign. They are working on new laws to make you criminals. You know what that means, Tony.”

Yes, he did but he didn't think the government would go that far. After all the Avengers were their first line of defense when it came to anything really dangerous. Unless…! Oh fuck.  
“Okay.”

Rhodey seemed relieved. “Okay? Great. I really need you here. You have to make a stand. Do you think you can manage that?”

“Yes.”

“Don’t take the suit. We don’t want to draw attention. I’ll sent something over. Just give me your coordinates, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Great. We’ll work this out, Tones.”

“Yes. We will. Thank you.”

“See you in a few hours!”

“See you.” He hung up and shoved the phone back into his pocket.  
“We should hurry.”

Steve was still staring at him. “Don’t go. We should talk with the whole team about this.”

“Well, you heard him, Steve. It can’t wait. I’ll just listen to what they have to say and dunno… tell ‘em that we’re no criminals and stuff.”

Steve nodded slowly. “Okay? I’m coming with you.”

“Really?” Tony looked up.

“I’m the team leader. And Peggy’s there too. Might as well visit her. What do you think?”

“Sorry about the vacation.”

Steve smiled softly. “No problem. Let’s hurry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Bonerville lived up to its name! Yay! :D
> 
> Tell me, what you think! Was that too soon? It was certainly not enough, I know. But if the plot knocks on your door to say hi, you better invite it in!
> 
> Anyways! Tell me, what you think of this chapter! I mean, we're halfway through this ;) I'd like to hear some opinions on the story so far.


End file.
